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New York, NY– The Coronavirus continues to wreak havoc across New York City with well over 200,000 infected and 11,000 deaths so far. 

NYC hospitals, ERs, field hospitals and even a Navy ship are literally all hands-on-deck to fight the crisis. Basically, every single legitimate healthcare provider around is pitching in to help out in any way that they can. 

Missing in this pandemic response are chiropractors, naturopaths, homeopaths, reiki wizards, acupuncturists, Jenny McCarthy and numerous other self-proclaimed “health experts.”

One would think that a holistic, body centric approach declared to be “better than conventional medicine” for fibromyalgia, infertility, migraines, and a million other maladies would also work for a pandemic. 

Many actual doctors theorize that the complete lack of demonstrable benefit of chiropractic, naturopathic, and homeopathic “interventions” in any actual conditions makes it exceedingly unlikely that these scams would help in an actual emergency. 

Local chiropractor Travis Fahey expresses his hesitance to go into a COVID zone saying “without a guarantee of $300 cash per treatment for 10-653 consecutive treatments, its not financially worth it for me. Plus, if it got COVID then I would have to see an actual doctor which would totally destroy my reputation! Also, let’s be honest, cracking someone’s necks doesn’t cure anything aside from annoyingly intact vertebral arteries.

Youtube Z-list chiro-celebrity Eric Nepute has been social distancing by staying mostly on Youtube promoting a quack-tactic theory that Tonic water can treat coronavirus. When asked where that idea came from, Nepute admitted “I pulled it out of my ass. I was literally trying to show everyone how clueless I and all chiropractors are about actual physiology and medical diagnoses. It backfired. There are people dumb enough to believe that crap! I picked up a couple hundred youtube followers that I can hopefully scam some money from after this is over and turn a profit!”

Ravi Kulasekere is a natropathic nutjob from Lakewood, Ohio has gone entirely online using Tele-bullshit to market his sawdust laden placebo supplements. “I thought about going to one of the ER’s in Cleveland to offer to help out but let’s be honest. In a real medical emergency, the most useful thing I can do is hold a door for someone who actually understands the human body. None of my snake oil works for COVID or any other actual conditions. Thankfully, people line my wallet with their money because I’m really good at conning them out of their money for placebos. Hopefully COVID doesn’t take out all the suckers in the world!

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Naan DerThaal
A high school classmate of the lesser 3/5 of N’Sync, Naan DerThaal spent a number of years mired in mediocrity before finding his true calling, writing snarky anonymous internet commentary. He is a multi-time participation trophy recipient in Little League Baseball and has appeared on TV numerous times in the background of sporting events. He enjoys head-butting Lionfish and wrestling seasnakes in his free time and can often be seen dragging a mallet around the hospital. Follow him on Twitter @NaanDerthaal