WASHINGTON, DC—If you thought the Coronavirus pandemic was bad right now, just wait until July 1st, the date most new medical school graduates begin their hospital internships. Early models indicate there will be a rather devastating impact: Covid-19’s mortality rate, currently residing somewhere between 1-1.5% will apparently skyrocket all the way up to 100% or somehow even higher.

“It’s imperative we defeat Covid-19 by the end of June,” said a visibly petrified Dr. Anthony Fauci, who appeared to age 10 years just thinking about the dreadful possibility of new interns futilely trying to tackle this disease. “Time is of the essence here. If this thing is still around in July, please excuse my language, but I want to be crystal clear: We. Will. All. Be. F**ked.”

It appears that, for once, a warning from Dr. Fauci is being taken seriously. In fact, hundreds of millions of people have voluntarily approached their local prisons asking to be put in solitary confinement. Prisons are so overloaded that the government is being forced to build field prisons to handle the overflow. “We’re all more than willing to temporarily give up our freedom to prevent a true catastrophe from happening on July 1st,” said one man locked inside an isolation cell. “We simply can’t afford to let Covid-19 and new interns cross paths.”

Meanwhile, government officials and hospital administrators are checking to see whether it’s legal for them to push the intern start date to…never. They hope to take this year’s interns, who have risen to the challenge like no others before them, and reward these special doctors with permanent internship positions! Congratulations, intern class of 2019-20!

At press time, there remained just a few people who stubbornly refused to follow the social distancing guidelines. A frustrated Dr. Fauci appealed to them during a live news conference: “Do you realize that the interns of July are now 4th-year medical students on elective, meaning they’re probably sitting at home binge-watching some nut named Joe Exotic abuse tigers on Netflix? Is that really who you want caring for you when you get Covid in July? I’m just sayin’…”

He concluded by reminding everyone this pandemic will eventually end. Just pray to God it’s before July 1st!

Proton Pimp
Adorned in a stylish white fur coat, ravishing purple silk suit and a dozen gold necklaces, I spend my nights lounging in luxury and delivering beautiful bursts of acidic commentary about those in the medical field who deserve it—which, let’s face it, is pretty much everybody. Some may be offended, but I simply can’t be stopped; that is, except by my mortal nemesis: the dreaded Proton Pimp Inhibitor. Until recently, that little purple shill very effectively blocked the release of my most acidic work. But no longer! In addition to my lavish lifestyle, I also enjoy reading romance novels, listening to hit songs by Toto on loop, and staring at my Betty White pin-up calendar. Follow him at @TheProtonP on Twitter!!