In a stunning turn of events, all it took was one global respiratory pandemic to recognize that anesthesia might not be to blame.
“Man, before it was so easy to yell at anesthesia for the table, the instruments, the patients. Heck, it was anesthesia’s fault when the dealer waxed my Porsche backwards. But even -I- can’t blame anesthesia for this one,” said renowned orthopedic surgeon Dustin Jones, DO
In fact, he suggested that anesthesia may have an answer to the COVID-19 outbreak.
“Just maybe, if anesthesia does anesthesia, the COVID patients can go back to Crossfit and needing me to fix their shoulders, hips, and knees,” said Dr. Jones, who is driving everyone around him bananas after the Surgeon General cancelled all his cases.
Anesthesia (who has a real name all along, turns out it’s Nicole) was nonplussed.
“For years, we’ve been invisible except when things went south, a convenient punching bag for everything that goes wrong. But now, just one little pandemic and the official word becomes “Everyone out of the room while anesthesia intubates.”
“Blame anesthesia now, buddy. I dare you. I’ll go on break and come back when I’ve found toilet paper and N95s. Go find an administrator to intubate – oh wait, they’re probably working from their second vacation home in Florida.”
But, she did put out a bright spot in response to ventilator hoarding by the ultra-rich.
“They might be billionaire oligarchs, but they probably didn’t hire a team of anesthesiologists or critical care nurses who could manage their home vents 24/7/365.
“Don’t worry, just treat us like professional colleagues, and we’ll keep showing up to work with you.”