• 1.5K
    Shares

VOLTAGE, OR—In what can only be described as “shocking” news, the FDA recently approved a novel implantable cardioverter-defibrillator that not only senses dangerous arrhythmias but also doubles as a Covid-19-prevention device. Indeed, this new AICD has been specially programmed to deliver shocks to the heart every time a user touches his face.

“Humans touch their faces constantly, and that’s one way for harmful germs, like the coronavirus, to get into our eyes, noses, and mouths. I’ve been telling people they must stop doing this for months, but no one listens,” said Dr. Anthony Fauci disapprovingly, as he rubbed his eyes and picked his nose.

Doctors believe the best way to change this hazardous behavior is by sending 300 Joules of electricity to the heart each time people touch their faces. “I believe it’s called aversive conditioning, or maybe negative reenforcement,” said an exhausted Fauci. “Ah, who the hell knows what it’s called? Basically, we zap your hearts, you feel like you’ve been kicked in the chest, and you quickly learn to stop touching your damn face.”

Early users of the new technology claim it works very well. “The first day I was shocked three dozen times, and one week later, I never touch my face,” said Alec Tristy, who lamented that despite that, he’s now getting shocked way more than ever before. “Whenever I piss off my wife, which is always, she gets back at me by touching my face! Even my kids are doing it now—‘Let’s shock daddy!’ they excitedly say.”

Speaking of young kids, they are known to be among the most guilty of excessive face-touching. Starting this fall, all day-care centers and preschools will mandate that kids have these AICDs implanted. “Can we also program their devices to shock them every time they don’t listen to us?” pleaded one teacher.

Another early user, Ms. Jules Anne Watts, complains that the sensor is way too sensitive. “It shocks me anytime anything touches my face. Water in the shower—ZAP! Putting on makeup—THUMP! Putting my head on a pillow at night—JOLT! I have to sleep standing up now!”

At press time, Mr. Tristy was in the midst of an epic battle with a pesky itch on the tip of his nose. He was determined to overcome it as he did not want to get—ZAP! “Oh well, it was totally worth it,” he said, as he recovered from the painful shock. “Itches can be so excruciating!”

Proton Pimp
Adorned in a stylish white fur coat, ravishing purple silk suit and a dozen gold necklaces, I spend my nights lounging in luxury and delivering beautiful bursts of acidic commentary about those in the medical field who deserve it—which, let’s face it, is pretty much everybody. Some may be offended, but I simply can’t be stopped; that is, except by my mortal nemesis: the dreaded Proton Pimp Inhibitor. Until recently, that little purple shill very effectively blocked the release of my most acidic work. But no longer! In addition to my lavish lifestyle, I also enjoy reading romance novels, listening to hit songs by Toto on loop, and staring at my Betty White pin-up calendar. Follow him at @TheProtonP on Twitter!!