SOUTH BURLINGTON, VT—The line outside the new Ben & Jerry’s Women’s Health Clinic extended for at least 3 miles as people waited for the clinic to open its doors for the first time earlier today. The long line may have been, in part, due to a special promotion—Free Cone Biopsy Day—to mark this special occasion. Indeed, all female customers get a free cone-shaped biopsy of their cervix today.

Normally, a pelvic exam, Pap smear, and, if needed, a colposcopy are performed first in the evaluation of the cervix. “But in honor of opening day,” said an enthusiastic Ben, “we’re skipping right to the cone biopsy. All ages are welcome, and a medical indication is not necessary. We don’t even care if you’re knocked up. If you have a cervix, we’ll cone biopsy it.”

Customers may get as many cone biopsies as they desire provided they’re willing to wait in line over and over again. “I really wanna try out all the cone biopsy instruments they have,” said Elaine Perez, who eagerly returned to the back of the line after her first biopsy. “This time, they used the regular cone biopsy excisor. Next, I wanna have them try their new glucose-coated excisor, also known as a sugar cone biopsy excisor. After that, I gotta try the waffle cone excisor too!” We’ll spare you the details of that last one…you’re welcome!

Lest they be sued for discrimination, the women’s health clinic eventually opened up the line to men as well after noting significant interest from the male gender. “I heard they were handing out free stuff,” said a jubilant Roy Peters, “so I just had to come down and see what I could get.” An hour later, he was markedly less jubilant after scoring a free cone biopsy of his prostate, performed transrectally.

The new clinic also boasts an eatery, called The Cafe Au Lait Spot, which of course serves Ben & Jerry’s ice cream. New flavors to celebrate the opening of the women’s health clinic include: Chocolate Cyst Cookie Dough, Cherry Angioma Garcia, Strawberry Tongue Cheesecake, Chunky Monkeypox and Breastmilk & Cookies. “The chocolate cyst cookie dough is outrageous,” said the cafe manager, N. Dmitry Omah. “All the ingredients are freshly harvested in-house, which makes it taste so fresh.”

So, come get your free cone biopsy today, and then top it off with one of the delicious new ice cream flavors. And if you can’t make it down today, don’t worry—organizers plan on making this an annual event.

Proton Pimp
Adorned in a stylish white fur coat, ravishing purple silk suit and a dozen gold necklaces, I spend my nights lounging in luxury and delivering beautiful bursts of acidic commentary about those in the medical field who deserve it—which, let’s face it, is pretty much everybody. Some may be offended, but I simply can’t be stopped; that is, except by my mortal nemesis: the dreaded Proton Pimp Inhibitor. Until recently, that little purple shill very effectively blocked the release of my most acidic work. But no longer! In addition to my lavish lifestyle, I also enjoy reading romance novels, listening to hit songs by Toto on loop, and staring at my Betty White pin-up calendar. Follow him at @TheProtonP on Twitter!!