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WASHINGTON, DC—Most people enjoy their Sundays—a day off to relax, enjoy a boozy brunch with friends, watch football—but for hemodialysis patients and the nephrologists who treat them, Sunday is a major inconvenience. Since most intermittent hemodialysis patients are either on a Mon-Wed-Fri or Tues-Thurs-Sat treatment schedule, Sunday is simply a day for dangerous toxins to build up, potassium to rise, body pH to plummet, and fluid to accumulate in places it shouldn’t. For this reason, the American Society of Nephrology (ASN) is strongly lobbying Congress to get rid of Sunday.

“A seven-day week just doesn’t work for us anymore,” explained ASN mascot Sydney the Kidney. “When God created the 7-day week, He sadly did not take our patients’ needs into consideration. An oversight of Biblical proportions, it’s about time we clean up His mess.”

According to ASN Board member, Skip Church, nephrologists have tried for decades to evenly fit 3 dialysis sessions into a 7-day week, even consulting with the world’s most brilliant mathematicians. “Sorry,” wept the defeated scholars of abstract algebra, “but we’ve never encountered a more challenging math problem in our lives. Three just won’t go into seven. It can’t be done! We agree that the best solution is to just completely remove Sunday from the calendar.”

“Honestly,” said Kay Reiser, a local woman who has been on dialysis for 4 years, “the dialysis schedule never made any sense to me. A two-day gap at the end of the week just seems wrong, especially for the Mon-Wed-Fri crew. The weekend is when you tell us it’s okay not to excrete waste from our bodies? Really?! Imagine telling a bunch of drunken bar patrons on a Friday night that they can’t pee until Monday!”

Reliable sources in Washington tell us that this proposal surprisingly has a very strong chance of passing through Congress and promptly being signed into law by the President. “A six-day week is perfect for us too,” said an anonymous Senator, “since all of us are either on a Mon-Wed-Fri or Tues-Thurs-Sat golf schedule. Two days off between tee times just isn’t good for my game!”

The rest of the country, however, is apoplectic. “If you had to eliminate one day of the week,” complained one frustrated citizen, “couldn’t you have chosen Monday instead?!”

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Proton Pimp
Adorned in a stylish white fur coat, ravishing purple silk suit and a dozen gold necklaces, I spend my nights lounging in luxury and delivering beautiful bursts of acidic commentary about those in the medical field who deserve it—which, let’s face it, is pretty much everybody. Some may be offended, but I simply can’t be stopped; that is, except by my mortal nemesis: the dreaded Proton Pimp Inhibitor. Until recently, that little purple shill very effectively blocked the release of my most acidic work. But no longer! In addition to my lavish lifestyle, I also enjoy reading romance novels, listening to hit songs by Toto on loop, and staring at my Betty White pin-up calendar. Follow him at @TheProtonP on Twitter!!