ATLANTA, GA—A new report released earlier this week by the Centers for Disease Control & Prevention (CDC) contained both good and bad news. The good news is that, according to scientists’ calculations, the vast majority of Americans will survive the Covid-19 pandemic. The bad news is that the vast majority of livers will not.

The destruction of America’s livers appears to be linked to a surge in alcohol consumption, which has shot up approximately one-hundred-million percent since the start of the pandemic. “The mandatory ‘stay-at-home’ orders might as well have been called ‘stay-at-home-and-drink,’” said CDC scientist and lead author of the report, Dr. Wes Key, “because that’s what everyone did.”

No one is really surprised by this news. “What did they expect to happen?” asked Atlanta native Daniel Jacks. “There’s been nothing to do except binge watch Netflix shows and chat with people on Zoom. And everyone knows those activities are way better with a glass, I mean bottle, of wine or a bottle, I mean pitcher, of beer. Is there any wonder our livers are dying?”

The drinking-at-home trend does not appear to be going away anytime soon, either. “I had no idea liquor stores delivered,” said Mr. Jacks. “We’ve been doing it wrong all these years! Why risk lives by driving to-and-fro bars when the local liquor store will deliver all the booze you want right to your doorstep?”

Even the study’s lead author is guilty of imbibing. “Liquor is pretty much a requirement for all Zoom sessions,” admitted Dr. Key. “Last night, I poured myself some whiskey and then logged on to my virtual AA meeting.”

While most are drinking for pleasure, a few people are apparently drinking for supposed therapeutic reasons. “I heard alcohol destroys the coronavirus, so I guzzled down gallons of vodka, but in the end, I still got Covid-19 anyway…and a touch of alcoholic hepatitis,” lamented one local man, who added that maybe next time he’ll try bleach instead.

The CDC noted that the country hasn’t seen this level of alcohol consumption since the last great pandemic—the Spanish flu which began in 1918. But it urged the public not to get too concerned yet. “Those people’s livers all recovered,” said Dr. Key, “after only 13 years of Prohibition!”

At press time, the United Network for Organ Sharing announced that it was placing America at the very top of the liver transplant list.

Proton Pimp
Adorned in a stylish white fur coat, ravishing purple silk suit and a dozen gold necklaces, I spend my nights lounging in luxury and delivering beautiful bursts of acidic commentary about those in the medical field who deserve it—which, let’s face it, is pretty much everybody. Some may be offended, but I simply can’t be stopped; that is, except by my mortal nemesis: the dreaded Proton Pimp Inhibitor. Until recently, that little purple shill very effectively blocked the release of my most acidic work. But no longer! In addition to my lavish lifestyle, I also enjoy reading romance novels, listening to hit songs by Toto on loop, and staring at my Betty White pin-up calendar. Follow him at @TheProtonP on Twitter!!