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What are the ingredients in the Pfizer-BioNTech vaccine?

The ingredients include mRNA, lipids, sodium chloride, potassium chloride, sucrose, black pepper, rosemary, and sage.

How is the vaccine administered?

With pleasure.

I just received my first dose of the Pfizer-BioNTech COVID-19 vaccine. What I should look out for?

Side effects: injection site pain or swelling, fatigue, headache, muscle pain, chills, joint pain, fever, limb detachment, rectal prolapse, sudden aversion to Dua Lipa, sudden affinity for Nickelback.

What should I do about side effects?

Ignore them and power through. Unless you develop sudden affinity for Nickelback, in which case call 911 immediately as this is a life-threatening emergency.

I can’t believe the Falcons blew such a huge lead and lost to the Buccaneers. Is the vaccine to blame?

Absolutely.

I’m an ER physician, and my arm is a little sore from the shot and I’m worried if I have to intubate a patient my ability do so might be compromised. Any advice?

Use BIPAP.

I’m a gastroenterologist. I have mild arm soreness. I have several routine colonoscopies to perform tomorrow. What should I do if I can’t complete them due to the pain?

Leave the colonoscope in place and have the patient return in several days once you are asymptomatic and able to retrieve it.

Any advice on how to manage pain at the injection site?

As a general rule, it is always better to prevent a condition than to treat it once it has been acquired. Tylenol or NSAIDS may do the trick, but there is always the risk of experiencing side effects with these medications. Therefore, we recommend amputation of the affected to arm to prevent progression of symptoms.

I just got my first dose of the COVID-19 vaccine. Is it okay to have a beer?

Though there haven’t been any known interactions between alcohol and vaccines, proper technique during a keg stand, shotgunning, or flip cup might be compromised due to arm pain. According to the Centers for Disease Control & Prevention, beer helmets were made for situations just like these.

I received the shot several days ago and haven’t experienced a single side effect. Should I be concerned?

Yes. It is very likely you received a placebo vaccine or, worse, you might have been injected with live unattenuated COVID-19. Initiate quarantine immediately.

What should I do with my COVID-19 vaccination card?

Laminate it, frame it. When you return for your second dose of the vaccine, you will be applauded for your arts & crafts skills. Way to cultivate a hobby during a pandemic!

What happens if I don’t receive the second dose of the Pfizer-BioNTech vaccine exactly 21 days after the first dose?

You will die.

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Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.