BETHESDA, MD – In a major scientific breakthrough, researchers at the National Institute of Health have uncovered that man flu is both real and caused by pandemic COVID-19.
Though the first case of novel coronavirus wasn’t detected in the United States until January 2020, it is now widely believed that COVID-19 has been circulating not only months before then but perhaps years before then in asymptomatic females & ridiculously symptomatic males.
“Turns out these males were nearly dying because they had COVID-19,” explained Dr. Anthony Fauci, the Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Disease. “This is a lesson learned should COVID-19 reappear in a seasonal fashion: if a male seems to be disproportionately affected by an annoying cold, novel coronavirus must be ruled out and ICUs need to be alerted.”
Prior to the coronavirus pandemic, man flu was diagnosed when a male nearly dies as as result of a respiratory virus. The same respiratory virus, however, has little to no effect on females, at worst decreasing their levels of productivity from 100% to 99.9999999%.
Females plan to heed Fauci’s advice; if their male loved one suffers “man flu” in future, they’ll be sent to the basement or garage with their favorite blanket, a box of tissues, and a 30-day quarantine, no ifs ands or buts.
