BOSTON, MA – Inspired by the recent college admissions cheating scandal, local Orthopaedic Surgeon Brock Hammersley took matters into his own hands when his son ranked only Ophthalmology residencies in the ACGME Match.

“I couldn’t believe it when I saw his rank list! Ophthalmology Harvard, Ophthalmology Mass Eye and Ear, Ophthalmology Duke, Ophthalmology Tinyhandsville!” Hammersley fumed to Gomerblog.

“You think you’re raising your kids right. You start taking them to the gym as soon as they can walk, pay for the best bicep-building trainers starting when they’re 3, buy them their own mallet at 4, power tools at 5. You know, trying to do everything you can to make sure they’re started down the right path. Then one day BAM, it all blows up in your face and they apply to do a residency without power tools where they sit down for every surgery! THEY SIT DOWN TO DO SURGERY!!!”

“So, I did what any caring parent would do, I sat him down and chewed his ass. ‘Listen here Brock Jr, I know some of your friends have chosen alternative career paths, but I want something better for you. Please tell me you somehow accidentally put random p’s and h’s in your poor attempt to spell Orthopaedics and we can get back to playing beer pong with your mother and sister.’”

Hammersley stopped as tears were forming in his eyes at this point, “Then he looks me in the eyes and said the 6 words every parent fears the most ‘I really want to do Ophthalmology.’”

“After all the sacrifices we made for him, he insults our family like this. I felt helpless, until I heard what that loving mother Lori Loughlin did for her kids and I got an idea.”

Hammersley then proceeded to call the American Academy of Ophthalmology president, Dr. George A. Williams and offered a $400,000 “donation” to the Beaumont Eye Institute “for the study of some sort of eyeball stuff was the pretenses, but Dr. Williams wouldn’t promise to ‘guide’ the match results for Brock Jr,” Hammersley recalled.

“Fortunately the ACGME  was much more receptive of my donation and what do you know, Brock Jr. Matched Ortho at my alma mater the University of Michigan! The Lord really does work in mysterious ways!”

HOUSTON, TX – The mystery behind the Great Red Spot, also known as the eye of Jupiter, appears to have been solved.  NASA ophthalmologists believe the red eye of Jupiter is nothing more than allergic conjunctivitis, and have prescribed artificial tears to be used every 4 hours until the erythema and irritation have resolved.

NASA has sent numerous unmanned aircraft towards Jupiter over the past several decades, the most recent one named Juno, to determine if the red eye was purulent or particularly tender.  As far as NASA can tell, Jupiter is not suffering from anterior uveitis or bacterial conjunctivitis, and is probably dealing with perineal allergies related to its proximity to the asteroid belt. 

“Asteroids do to Jupiter’s red eye what dust does to the human eye; it can be hugely irritating,” explained NASA ophthalmologist Roger Anderson, who hopes to perform on a dilated fundoscopic exam on the planet’s most noticeable feature sometime in his lifetime.  “I think a little lubrication will go a long ways.”

Many NASA ophthalmologists are comfortable with the diagnosis of allergic conjunctivitis, but a few admittedly have a few reservations in committing to a diagnosis this early.  “We haven’t even performed tonometry,” explained NASA ophthalmologist Alissa Sanders.  “I hope Jupiter doesn’t have glaucoma.” 

Using Juno as their messenger, NASA ophthalmologists have explained to Jupiter that if it should experience congestion or runny nose to consider seeing an allergy specialist as well.  Thankfully, Jupiter is not experiencing any anal sniffles, so Flonass has not been prescribed.  Jupiter has, however, requested an eye patch, which NASA ophthalmologists say should get to Jupiter in about 6-to-8 years.

DES MOINES, IA – Answering his phone in a daze at 2 AM last night, on-call ophthalmologist Reece Barnett reportedly handled a vision threatening eye emergency from the comfort of his nice warm bed.

“It was intense,” says Barnett.  “At first I was propped up on one elbow when I answered the phone.  Then the emergency doc told me the patient had severe vision loss.  At that point, I sat straight up in bed with my down comforter only covering my legs.  I started getting a chill, but you gotta take these things seriously.”

Barnett was able to listen to the patient’s history in between yawns, occasionally having the consulting doctor repeat things while he rubbed the crust from his eyes.  After several seconds of thoughtful consideration, Barnett thought it would be best to see the patient in clinic in the morning.

“This was a tough situation,” reports Barnett.  “By the end of the conversation, my sheet was all bunched up and my pillow was flat in all the wrong places.”  When asked why he elected to see the patient in the morning, Barnett replied, “By the time I get out of bed, get in my car, drive all the way to the hospital and see the patient, it will only be a few hours until morning anyway.  This is the best thing for the patient.”

At press time, Barnett was seen coordinating care for a patient with ocular trauma while wearing his eye mask.

TALLAHASSEE, FL – In an embarrassing show of pure slothfulness, the right eye of 28-year-old Christopher Chang has become so lazy that it won’t even attempt to look at things anymore.

The languid right eye began showing signs of laziness as early as age 5.  “It used to at least try to do things,” states Eric Chang, Christopher’s father and the owner of two particularly ambitious eyeballs.  “It would work with his other eye for a while, at least until it lost interest or got distracted by something colorful.  Now it just sits there in its socket, staring at the wall, doing nothing!”  Later, witnesses reported seeing an incensed Mr. Chang screaming at the apathetic eye to “read a book or something.”

Christopher’s friend Donny acknowledges that there has been a definite change in the eyeball’s demeanor.  “I used to forget which eye was the lazy one.  I wouldn’t even know which eye to look at when I was talking to him.  Now everybody can see that his right eye just doesn’t give a sh*t anymore.”

Ophthalmologists have employed numerous strategies to get the lazy eye to become a productive member of seeing society, including reverse psychology by telling the eye, “I bet you can’t see me!” Even primitive techniques like pretending you’re going to touch it have yet to produce a meaningful response.  Christopher’s eye is reportedly applying for ocular unemployment benefits if it can prove that it’s at least tried to look at something within the last 6 months.

KNOXVILLE, TN – Holding a magazine as far as his arm will allow, local man Harold Chou confidently announced at a local eye clinic this afternoon that he “didn’t need any stupid reading glasses.”  Other patients in the ophthalmology clinic waiting room reported seeing Chou hold multiple objects far away from his eyes, including his phone, a brochure about cataract surgery, and his own 3-month-old grandchild, Robert.  Occasionally Chou was seen extending his neck as far as possible in order to maximize the distance between his eyes and whatever he happened to be holding at the time.  “See, this is fine,” he stated.

“I wasn’t even sure his arms bent like normal people,” said clinic patient and owner of prescription bifocals, Lynn Stevens.  “Maybe he doesn’t have elbows.  Poor guy.”

During his clinic encounter with his ophthalmologist, Chou continued to insist that he didn’t need reading glasses.  “Why do I need to read anyway?” announced an incensed Chou.  “If something is important enough to read, it’ll be written in big letters.”

At he was leaving the exam room, Chou was heard asking the doctor if there was anything he could take that would increase the length of his arms.

ATLANTA, GA – It was a scene filled with excitement this morning as millions of people from all over the country ventured outside to observe the 2017 solar eclipse. Perhaps nobody enjoyed it more than local man Todd Simmons, who was seen shortly after the event beaming from ear to ear with blood pouring from his sun-scorched eyes.  “It was so beautiful,” cried Simmons, wiping away congealed corneal tissue from his cheeks.  “It was even better than I expected.”

Immediately following the eclipse, witnesses reported seeing Simmons let out a big contented sigh, his shirt covered in his own melted retinas.  The 36-year-old Uber driver had been looking forward to the eclipse for months.  “I thought about using those special solar eclipse glasses, but I really wanted the full experience,” announced Simmons proudly as he blindly stumbled his way through the eclipse viewing crowd.

Despite numerous news sources and government agencies, including NASA, encouraging people to use appropriate eye protection, Simmons thought it would ruin the experience. “YOLO,” he stated with a big grin on his blood-splattered face.

At press time, Simmons was seen recounting the extraordinary experience with a nearby telephone pole.

SALEM, OR – Ophthalmologists throughout the country are bracing themselves for what could be an entire day of work immediately after the solar eclipse on August 21. Record numbers of people “seeing spots” after the eclipse are expected to stream into nearby ophthalmologist offices, threatening to keep doctors in the office until 5 PM, 5:30 PM at the latest.

Local ophthalmologist, 41-year-old Benson Jones, is preparing for the worst. “I told my wife I might need to bring a pre-dinner snack to work, just in case,” reports Jones. “She was horrified, sobbing as she watched me pack a snack baggie of pretzels and a cheese stick.”

The American Academy of Ophthalmology has encouraged all ophthalmologists to try to squeeze in a mid-morning nap because patient volume in certain parts of the country may require offices to schedule 5:30 appointments, a full two-hours later than usual.

For the past few months, eye care providers have been pleading with the public not to stare at the sun during the solar eclipse, encouraging them to instead stare at a lamp while slowly moving their hand across their face. With the potential influx of sun-gazers into his clinic, Benson worries that he will get stuck in rush-hour traffic if he leaves work after five. “I see other people do it. It just looks awful.”

CHICAGO, IL – Tragedy struck a quiet neighborhood eye clinic last week after what began as a routine visual field confrontation ended in a triple homicide.  Police responded to a distress call Friday afternoon from Janet Macula, a technician at the clinic and an eyewitness to the carnage.  “It started with a routine visual field exam.  The doctor began confronting the patient as usual,” said Macula, fighting back tears.  “But then he wouldn’t stop confronting.”

The 911 transcript of the call from Macula reveals a disturbing scene:

911 OPERATOR: 911… What is your emergency?

MACULA: Send help… Hurry, please…

911 OPERATOR: Ma’am what’s happening?

MACULA (sobbing):… it was just supposed to be a confrontation…

911 OPERATOR: Confronting who?  What is going on?  Ma’am?  Ma’am?!?

MACULA: …he won’t stop confronting… (sobbing) … There’s blood everywhere… Please send help …

(background) HOW…MANY…FINGERS…DO…YOU…SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!! (silence)

First responders to the scene found the ophthalmologist and owner of the practice, Martin Uvea, looking disheveled and covered in blood.  Police reports indicate he had written “Full to Confrontation” in blood on the wall of his office.

This is the third incident this year of a local ophthalmologist murdering a patient during routine confrontation visual field testing.  Police are encouraging patients to avoid confrontational visual fields by cracking jokes or trying to tickle the ophthalmologist.  Recent studies have shown murder rates decrease dramatically in ophthalmologists who are being tickled during the exam.

IOWA CITY, IA – It was a rough start to the year for first-year ophthalmology resident Tony Beamer, who was recently caught trying to spell “ophthalmology,” the name of the specialty he intends to practice for the rest of his career.

“I knew I needed to get the spelling down right off the bat,” admitted Beamer while sitting at his desk with numerous crumpled pieces of paper haphazardly strewn about his chair.  “It’s humiliating to not know how to spell the title of your job.”

According to eyewitness accounts, Beamer was furiously scribbling different spellings of “ophthalmology” with a large black Sharpie marker while intermittently muttering “No, no, no, that can’t be right” under his breath.  His fellow residents came over to see if he was ok when they discovered Beamer, tears streaming down his face with his hands and arms covered in black Sharpie marks.  The paper he was writing on contained an embarrassing display of spelling errors, including:

• Optalmoology
• Ooophtomoroly
• Optomomoetry
• Offthamoly

“It was heartbreaking,” stated Lindsay Myers, a second-year ophthalmology resident.  “We’ve all been there.  I still get it wrong sometimes.  It’s really easy to accidentally add in an extra 3 H’s and before you know it you are spelling “Ophthahlmohloghy.”  We all have to practice trying to spell ‘ophthalmology,’ but for God’s sake, don’t do it in public.”

Most of the time, ophthalmology residents can get away with ophthalmology misspellings in consult notes due to the fact that 99% of non-ophthalmologists cannot spell “ophthalmology” correctly.  However, residents are encouraged to learn how to spell the word prior to graduation, as the ophthalmology oral boards begins with a spelling bee consisting of only one word: ophthalmology.  Records indicate only 50% of board-eligible ophthalmologists get it right.

At one point early in his spelling practice, Beamer thought he spelled it correctly, but upon further investigation he had actually spelled “optometry.”  At press time, Beamer was reportedly seen in the library taking an entire ream of computer paper back to his desk.

Not long ago we asked our Medicine colleagues to help us learn about ophtho abbreviations, which we did.  Time to reverse the roles: Gomerblog asked Ophthalmology to help us decipher Medicine abbreviations, and they were happy to oblige!