Apple iPhone X Crotch ID
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Apple iPhone X Crotch ID
We could not show you screenshots from further into the keynote because, well, genitals

CUPERTINO, CA – One more thing: Apple CEO Tim Cook has announced a new biometric system, Crotch ID, to supplement Face ID with the eventual release of the iPhone X later this year.  Not only will you have to stare into the iPhone X but you must wave your genitals in front of it in order to unlock your phone.  It truly is technology at its finest.

“We learned how to adjust how we hold our phones to take selfies, and the same will happen as we get used to holding our phones down there,” Cook announced during his keynote address, which got slightly uncomfortable as he demonstrated the feature himself on stage.

Just as is the case with Face ID, there are many questions as to the accuracy of crotch identification, particularly in the case of unshaven pubes, arousal, or sexually-transmitted infections.  However, Apple insists that the technology has the ability to adapt, so that even if you add a cock ring, penile implant, or pierce your clitoris, Crotch ID will know its you.

Unfortunately, Cook added, the camera technology is not powerful enough to see through pants and undergarments, so exposing one’s nether regions is necessary for security measures.  In addition, you have only two chances with your privates before the phone locks you out.

According to the Apple website, a Dot Projector projects more than 30,000 invisible dots onto your junk to map its structure, no matter your state of excitement or grooming.  With the help of an infrared camera, A11 Bionic chip, mathematical models, and on-call gynecologists and urologists, the genital scan is stored during the initial setup process.  Crotch ID cannot be fooled by pictures of genitals or someone waving your genitals in front of the camera should you be knocked unconscious.

However, health care professionals hope genital ID will replace log-in usernames and passwords for electronic medical records.

So what’s next for Apple?

“Anal scans,” said Apple die-hard and gastroenterologist Randy Sullivan.  “I know deep down in my heart that’s where we need to go.”

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