ATLANTA, GA – It was a scene filled with excitement this morning as millions of people from all over the country ventured outside to observe the 2017 solar eclipse. Perhaps nobody enjoyed it more than local man Todd Simmons, who was seen shortly after the event beaming from ear to ear with blood pouring from his sun-scorched eyes. “It was so beautiful,” cried Simmons, wiping away congealed corneal tissue from his cheeks. “It was even better than I expected.”
Immediately following the eclipse, witnesses reported seeing Simmons let out a big contented sigh, his shirt covered in his own melted retinas. The 36-year-old Uber driver had been looking forward to the eclipse for months. “I thought about using those special solar eclipse glasses, but I really wanted the full experience,” announced Simmons proudly as he blindly stumbled his way through the eclipse viewing crowd.
Despite numerous news sources and government agencies, including NASA, encouraging people to use appropriate eye protection, Simmons thought it would ruin the experience. “YOLO,” he stated with a big grin on his blood-splattered face.
At press time, Simmons was seen recounting the extraordinary experience with a nearby telephone pole.