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ACLS KEY BELOW:

* Medical Team Confused as Patient Made DNR Tuesdays, Thursdays, Saturdays
** Joint Commission Mandates Extensive Timeout Prior to Initiating CPR
*** Product Review: Mattel’s Resuscitate Me Elmo
**** New CPR Guidelines Recommend Switching Out Providers Every 5 Cycles to Update Facebook Status
***** Beverage Container Left Open at Nurses Station, Three Dead as a Result
****** Nurse Has License Suspected for Ordering Wrong Sandwich
^ Naptime Now Required for Residents per ACGME Guidelines
^^ Hospital’s Electronic Health Record to be Replaced by New, Efficient “Paper Chart” System
^^^ Hospital Administrator Delivers Clutch Performance During In-Flight Cardiac Arrest
^^^^ Patient Allergic to Epinephrine, Dies When Doctor Suddenly Slams Door
^^^^^ ICU Team Excited to Untangle Lines After Patient Dropped Off from OR
^^^^^^ Nurse Relieved to Find Out that Patient’s Family Member’s Aunt is a Nurse

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Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.