Jupiter red eye great red spot
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Jupiter red eye great red spot
Jupiter needs to stop rubbing it

HOUSTON, TX – The mystery behind the Great Red Spot, also known as the eye of Jupiter, appears to have been solved.  NASA ophthalmologists believe the red eye of Jupiter is nothing more than allergic conjunctivitis, and have prescribed artificial tears to be used every 4 hours until the erythema and irritation have resolved.

NASA has sent numerous unmanned aircraft towards Jupiter over the past several decades, the most recent one named Juno, to determine if the red eye was purulent or particularly tender.  As far as NASA can tell, Jupiter is not suffering from anterior uveitis or bacterial conjunctivitis, and is probably dealing with perineal allergies related to its proximity to the asteroid belt. 

Asteroids do to Jupiter’s red eye what dust does to the human eye; it can be hugely irritating,” explained NASA ophthalmologist Roger Anderson, who hopes to perform on a dilated fundoscopic exam on the planet’s most noticeable feature sometime in his lifetime.  “I think a little lubrication will go a long ways.”

Many NASA ophthalmologists are comfortable with the diagnosis of allergic conjunctivitis, but a few admittedly have a few reservations in committing to a diagnosis this early.  “We haven’t even performed tonometry,” explained NASA ophthalmologist Alissa Sanders.  “I hope Jupiter doesn’t have glaucoma.” 

Using Juno as their messenger, NASA ophthalmologists have explained to Jupiter that if it should experience congestion or runny nose to consider seeing an allergy specialist as well.  Thankfully, Jupiter is not experiencing any anal sniffles, so Flonass has not been prescribed.  Jupiter has, however, requested an eye patch, which NASA ophthalmologists say should get to Jupiter in about 6-to-8 years.

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