Orthopaedic Surgeon Pays $400,000 to Prevent Son From Matching Into Ophthalmology Residency

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BOSTON, MA – Inspired by the recent college admissions cheating scandal, local Orthopaedic Surgeon Brock Hammersley took matters into his own hands when his son ranked only Ophthalmology residencies in the ACGME Match.

“I couldn’t believe it when I saw his rank list! Ophthalmology Harvard, Ophthalmology Mass Eye and Ear, Ophthalmology Duke, Ophthalmology Tinyhandsville!” Hammersley fumed to Gomerblog.

This is an ACL, you could reconstruct these!

“You think you’re raising your kids right. You start taking them to the gym as soon as they can walk, pay for the best bicep-building trainers starting when they’re 3, buy them their own mallet at 4, power tools at 5. You know, trying to do everything you can to make sure they’re started down the right path. Then one day BAM, it all blows up in your face and they apply to do a residency without power tools where they sit down for every surgery! THEY SIT DOWN TO DO SURGERY!!!”

“So, I did what any caring parent would do, I sat him down and chewed his ass. ‘Listen here Brock Jr, I know some of your friends have chosen alternative career paths, but I want something better for you. Please tell me you somehow accidentally put random p’s and h’s in your poor attempt to spell Orthopaedics and we can get back to playing beer pong with your mother and sister.’”

Hammersley stopped as tears were forming in his eyes at this point, “Then he looks me in the eyes and said the 6 words every parent fears the most ‘I really want to do Ophthalmology.’”

“After all the sacrifices we made for him, he insults our family like this. I felt helpless, until I heard what that loving mother Lori Loughlin did for her kids and I got an idea.”

Hammersley then proceeded to call the American Academy of Ophthalmology president, Dr. George A. Williams and offered a $400,000 “donation” to the Beaumont Eye Institute “for the study of some sort of eyeball stuff was the pretenses, but Dr. Williams wouldn’t promise to ‘guide’ the match results for Brock Jr,” Hammersley recalled.

“Fortunately the ACGME  was much more receptive of my donation and what do you know, Brock Jr. Matched Ortho at my alma mater the University of Michigan! The Lord really does work in mysterious ways!”

  • Naan DerThaal

    A high school classmate of the lesser 3/5 of N’Sync, Naan DerThaal spent a number of years mired in mediocrity before finding his true calling, writing snarky anonymous internet commentary. He is a multi-time participation trophy recipient in Little League Baseball and has appeared on TV numerous times in the background of sporting events. He enjoys head-butting Lionfish and wrestling seasnakes in his free time and can often be seen dragging a mallet around the hospital. Follow him on Twitter @NaanDerthaal

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