LONDON, ENGLAND – With the entire world watching, the Royal Baby was born at 4:24 p.m., weighing 8 pounds, 6 ounces, APGARS 8 and 9, points taken for color and tone. Every second of the new life was fully chronicled by the Royal Historian Carolyn Harris. Nurses and doctors were very excited shouting out, “The Baby blinked!” or “The Royal Cry Length was 27 seconds!” Ms. Harris was frantically writing down every bit of crucial royal information.
The Royal Meconium was quickly taken out of the bustling room and put under lock and key, trying to avoid a new eBay trend. It will later be displayed in Westminster Abbey, so all the world will be graced with the Royal Excrement.
The official Royal Taste Tester not only tried Catherine’s ice chips, but tested the erythromycin eye drops, and tested the vitamin K shot. The hospital was ablaze, The Kingdom ablaze, and the world excited.
Next door to Catherine was a different story where Abigail Fichens, a local serf, was also delivering. “I heard ‘She’s crowning!’ from the hall and immediately my nurse scurried out of the room.” Ms. Fichens reported, “Then my obstetrician started saying ‘Beep beep beep, ah my bloody pager excuse me.’ He left me, gown and all; he was about to catch my baby!”
Ms. Fichens then told reporters that she sat up, started to push, and caught her own child. Like most remarkable feats, nobody was around to see it. Ms. Fichens left her room and tried to look over the large crowd gathered in the Royal Birthing Suite.
“I wasn’t able to see much, but I held my new baby as high as the cord would let me so at least she could catch a glimpse at this Historic Child.” Abigail then went back to her room and waited for her doctor. “When my doctor returned I was holding my new baby, he apologized, cut the cord, and repaired my tear.”
Ms. Fichens did receive two Royal Keychains, one for her and one for her new girl, along with the rest of the staff for being present during the birth of the Royal Baby.