BLOOMINGTON, IL – Scientists at Fermi-Labs have discovered something more remarkable and useful to the human race than the God Particle: no-wipe poops. Dan Schneider, PhD, lead scientist on this landmark discovery, told reporters, “After a bowel movement that I wiped and wiped and wiped, I thought, ‘We are smashing atoms at light speed, and we still wipe like cavemen.'”
For all of human history, having a bowel movement where one wipes and realizes that it was a waste of toilet paper (TP), has been the equivalent to pitching a perfect game, or hitting every green light on the way home. One may increase their fiber intake to increase their odds, but it still is a rarity.
Dr. Schneider teamed up with the famous proctologist, Dr. Brandon Gregg, to discover the source of the residual fecal matter. With a basic knowledge and a lab in his basement, Dr. Schneider got to work. He began posting his results and soon a large community was growing trying to solve this problem. Billionaire Larry Ellison eventually started to fund the program.
“If there is one thing I hate, it is running out of toilet paper on my yacht,” Mr. Ellison told reporters. “That means we have to go back to dock and I can’t use my personal submarine, and that’s annoying. Y ou know what I’m talking about, right?”
Thanks to an exuberant amount of wealth, and looking to solve his yacht problem, Ellison funded a new lab. Dr. Schneider was beaming with excitement. “The new lab couldn’t have been opened at a better time. My wife was going to leave me; I had piles and piles of poop in our basement. I was drowning in my work.”
Schneider would test feces by seeing how it stuck to different surfaces. At times, he describes, he literally threw fecal matter through the air on different surfaces. “Early on I didn’t remove the ceiling fan from my ‘lab’ and, well, sh*t literally hit the fan. It was a disaster.”
Once the sticky compound was identified he could then work on a neutralizing agent, so that when passed between two sheets of human skin cells, the poop wouldn’t leave anything behind.
This new technology released in pill form, is consumed with every meal and will save time and money for everyone.
“I am so happy that pooping at work isn’t bad anymore,” Shelly Anderson, a local travel agent and early adopter, responded to GomerBlog.
“The cardboard toilet paper my company buys was so scratchy it was like using a ball of thorns!” Dan, her husband, was excited that he didn’t have to ration at the end of the roll, avoiding replacing the roll. “A dream come true. I will be TP free.”
“We are starting to see reports that it has eliminated sharts and Hershey-squirts entirely.” Schneider claims that this may be a great side effect but it is too early to be certain.
In adult trials it has shown to help with colonoscopy prepping. Instead of drinking a fluid that will make you married with your toilet, patients can stop eating a day before the colonoscopy, have a bowel movement, and their colon will be spotless. Currently pediatric studies are still pending. This would help all parents not only in bathrooms from getting poop all over their hands, but also on laundry day. Can you imaging how much easier diaper changing would be?
When humans walked on the moon there were people who complained, and so to with the no-wipe poops. The loudest come from the CEO at Charmin, who has pushed a fast food fiber free diet. Along with the powerful toilet paper, he continues to lobby to try to halt drug approval.
People we suspect will still wipe out of habit for the first week or so, but when they finally get the confidence they will be TP free.