DELAWARE – Recent published reports state morbidity and mortality rates are absolutely atrocious for Community Hospital. According to the US News & World ratings for the best hospitals, Community Hospital scored last place in the country.
Mayor Tammy Holdens had a warning for local residents. “At this time, we cannot recommend going to this hospital if you are sick. You would be better off staying home or going over to the next town.” Most reporters in attendance agreed.
Hospital administrators have been working on this problem for years, but the major issue is that no good doctors, nurses, or other specialists want to be associated with Community Hospital. Bobby Rickers, an extremely competent nurse said, “Yeah, working at Community Hospital is like saying you work on the Death Star. I just didn’t want to be the butt of jokes at cocktail parties, and that is why I left.”
Administrator, Carlton Greenley, has developed a possible solution to this problem by targeting fresh graduates of medical, nursing, and other specialty schools.
“We feel it is only fair is to implement a draft system into healthcare. Top medical, nursing, and other specialty students should be drafted off like the NFL. It’s the only way we will have a fighting chance to recruit decent providers,” said Greenley.
Greenly also stated he is proposing a prime-time special where on draft night, the US surgeon general could announce the top draft picks on national TV. “We hope to implement white coats with their names embroidered on the back. When their names are called they’ll get up and walk across the stage, give a quick speech, thank Netter or something.”
Excited not only for his hospital, and perhaps the improvement of care a hospital draft could provide, Greenly also thinks “up-and-coming grads will support a new hospital draft.”