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BIRMINGHAM, AL – A new study published last week in Barney and Friends magazine revealed that 4th graders, if given a computer with internet search access, were superior in medical knowledge, diagnosis, and cost effectiveness, than 96% of recent medical graduates.

googling medical symptoms
“I think this patient has cooties!”

4th graders were able to search key medical terms on Google and their answers were leaps and bounds over the new graduate answers.

Wikipedia and WebMD entries had far more accurate information and depth of knowledge than any of the new graduates.  Some of the 4th graders had trouble reading big words, but their messages were loud and clear.

HMOs are already implementing these new results and better doctors into their business models.  They have begun hiring 4th graders and buying fast computers to replace new doctors working at clinics across the country.

4th grader Lindsey Jones described one encounter.  “Yeah, this guy came into the room and told me he had knee pain.  I typed ‘knee pain’ in the computer, but I actual misspelled it ‘nee pain,’ but it didn’t matter since Google fixed it for me automatically and I started reading this Wikipedia thing, and it said to take ibuprofen and to RICE it.  I love rice!”  The patient was very pleased with the information and left satisfied regarding his care.

“And the nice HMO gave me a princess sticker and a lollipop for helping them out this week,” Lindsey told reporters.

Recent graduate Dr. Michael Steffenson had a much different encounter that involved a 40-minute physical examination followed by X-rays, a MRI, and ultimately a prescription for ibuprofen which was entered incorrectly and required 3 callbacks from pharmacy.  Final diagnosis was unknown and he forgot to tell the patient to rest, ice, compress, and elevate the knee.  Overall patient satisfaction was low and the medical cost was $1,200 more than Lindsey’s encounter.

These better doctors are changing medicine.

Satisfaction is rising and litigation lowering.  “Who is going to sue a 4th grader?  They have their whole lives ahead of them.  If you did, what would you get?  A sticker and a lollipop?”

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