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Deals are to die for!
Deals are to die for!

NEW YORK, NY – Black Friday is hitting America very soon.  Stores are now opening their doors almost immediately after millions of Americans finish off eating their pies on Thanksgiving Day where only the chosen are able to run through complete pandemonium after a self-induced postprandial coma.  Retail store owners have shown that a store that opens one hour earlier than another store will bring in 37% more customers, equating to a 5% revenue increase for the season.  Hospital administrators have caught on to the new frenzy and many are now offering amazing discounts.

“You just can’t neglect these deals anymore,” says Thomas Dickens, a medical Groupon blogger.  “St. Thomas Hospital is offering buy one appendectomy and get a second surgery half off with NPO status waived one day only.  Memorial Hospital is offering 50% off do it yourself vasectomies only on Friday from 8 a.m. to noon.”

Holy Cross Hospital will be throwing in a free PEG tube with every tracheostomy purchased (Deal only good with Blue Rhino trachs).

Dilaumed (NOT Dilaudid) is 80% off at participating EDs this holiday season.  St. Joe’s ED has an unprecedented sale: they will take your pain score and that will be your discount!  3/10 is 30% and 10/10 pain is an unbelievable 100% off Dilaumed.  Dilaudid Nazi is also on vacation making the deal even more lucrative.

“We look forward to seeing all the fibro storm patients,” said Dr. Hernandez.  “We have a team of fibro experts on hand and we will try to knock them all out in one day.”

Deliver your baby on Friday at St. Mary’s of Hope and they will give you a free car seat, formula, and coupon for 40% off a tubal ligation at your next visit if you are on your 7th child or beyond.  Play the spin-o-name-wheel to name your child and you will receive a $25 gift certificate to Genuine Psychological Counseling services for future use.

A pediatric clinic is offering “Buy one well-child get a second for regular price!” which didn’t sound like a “deal” to GomerBlog but likely stems from no one wanting to actually do more well-child check ups.  They are hoping people just stay away.

Gutterson Hospital is offering free turkey sandwiches in their ED along with an added bonus of a 2nd free sandwich for anyone accompanying the patient.  Nurses will be expected to deliver the sandwich within 15 minutes after arriving.

Need a new aortic valve?  Don’t miss out on the super-duper minimally-invasive transurethral aortic valve replacement which is being performed on Friday at most hospitals across the area at deep discounts.

Black Friday Hospital deals are happening right now all across the nation.  “I drove by Mercy Hospital and there were people already camped outside!” said local Minnesota resident Todd Bruski.  “The funny thing is that they are offering free frostbite care all day Friday.  Those early birds will need that after sleeping outside.”

Deals.  Deals.  Deals.  Some are teaming up with brand names to offer super deals.  Acute care clinic on North Ave. has a special where you can get free feces analysis when you bring it in a Tupperware or Ziploc baggie by 9 a.m.  Who can pass this deal up??