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NEW HAVEN, CT – Patients across the country are calling their doctors at all hours asking to be scheduled for the newest minimally invasive surgery, SuDMITAVR, which stands for Super Duper Minimally Invasive Transurethral Aortic Valve Replacement.

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The procedure was invented during an all-night collaborative brainstorming session between world-renowned cardiologist Dr. Jeffrey Capadorno and recently voted hottest urologist by Doctor’s Are People Too magazine, Dr. Timothy Zipper Tippurino.

The idea came to Dr. Tippurino when he received a mug from his 8-year-old son for Father’s Day that had a picture of a large penis and the caption “The Fastest Way to a Man’s Heart.”

“I was proud of the little guy for coming up with such a sweet gift.  I mean most 8-year-olds get their dads stupid hats or a drawing of a hill that they made at school.  How many kids have the smarts to come up with a penis cup?” asked Tippurino.

He says that he had been taking a drink of coffee from the mug and marveling at his son’s wit when he nearly choked.  “I realized he was on to something big, no pun intended,” said Tippurino.  He immediately called his old medical school buddy Dr. Capadorno to propose a collaborative project.

The result was the SuDMITAVR procedure in which a 45 French introducer (about the width of a garden hose) is placed in the urethra, through the bladder wall, through the diaphragm, and approximated to the base of the left ventricle.  A hole is then punched through the ventricle allowing access to the aortic valve.

A separate introducer is placed trans-rectally through the wall of the colon and up to the level of the femoral vessels.  Through this introducer, the femoral artery and vein are accessed for cardiopulmonary bypass.

The procedure is being marketed as incision free and demand is skyrocketing.  Last week a line snaked around the block outside of Dr. Capadorno’s clinic.  There have been reports of people bribing their echocardiographer to falsely elevate the severity of their aortic stenosis in order to qualify them for valve replacement.

One 24-year-old prospective patient, Clay Winters, standing in line, said he had no aortic valve disease at all but couldn’t face his Facebook friends and Twitter twends if he didn’t have the procedure.  “It’s the hottest thing man, the must have, the new black,” he said.

Drs. Capadorno and Tippurino listed common complications of the procedure as urethral rupture, rectal rupture, and about 75% of the time urethral-gastric-diaphragmatic-ventricular fistula formation.  Dr. Capadorno said that after the procedure if you start having heart palpitations and you notice that with each heartbeat there is a pulsating fountain of blood pouring from your urethra, you should seek medical care immediately.

Asked if he was surprised that so many patients would run the risk of these complications Dr. Capadorno was surprised.  “No way man, no way.  This is an amazing technique.  We can replace your heart valve without making a single external incision.  Do you know what that means?  No scars!  Not a one!”

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  • Christine Thomson

    Marybeth Salyer, Rufus Perez

  • Christine Thomson

    Marybeth Salyer, Rufus Perez

  • Kandis Adkins

    Mary Jo Noon, get ready!

  • Kandis Adkins

    Mary Jo Noon, get ready!

  • Peter Kreishman

    Already took the course :)

  • Brandi Hicks

    Peter Kreishman

  • Ashley Willhoite

    Ouch! Lol

  • Casca

    They’ve been doing this at the VA for decades…..

  • Andrew Newcomb

    sorry I have actually been planning a trans-vag procedure, and this has worked out a few of the kinks in my planning!

  • Andrew Newcomb

    I w

  • Ben Slater

    Andrew Newcomb you need to get onto this…..

  • Alex Nesbitt

    Warren Fayers

  • Kathy Graley

    that took me a minute-haha

  • Bryan Tan

    Caleb Lin Lachie Evans bahahahah

  • Joanie Sapienza

    Bahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahaahhaha!

  • Stella Fitzgibbons

    Ohhhh…THAT’S why the case manager was wanting to classify an AVR patient as “observation”–she thought he was having the transurethral approach and would be home in 23 hours.

  • Melissa Byrne

    This is awesome…

  • Sean Ragain

    I just peed a little. Great joke!

  • Jeanne Sincavage

    Next up…trans ethmoidal MVR using a trans esophageal approach to the aortic arch and left atrial appendage to establish cardiopulmonary bypass. Gives the anesthesia care privies extra opportunities to use double lumen et tubes.

  • Jennifer Ann Mix

    That is awesome

  • Mark P Stacy

    This will never work. The acronym isn’t cool enough.

  • Julie Cooper

    Edward, I think this tops our previous dream of the transvaginal tonsillectomy.

  • Robin Fahringer Mitchell Machajewski

    LOL! Cuz that puncture scar after a TAVR does NOT look good in a bikini!

  • Tanveer Chaudhry

    Kunal Chaudhry

  • Chantal Pirmez

    Eeew.

  • Amanda Sue Hansen

    about 75% of the time urethral-gastric-diaphragmatic-ventricular fistula ..,,, lol

  • Tom C. Nguyen

    Love it!

  • Steve Henao

    it’s all fun & games until that pulsating fountain of blood starts pouring from your urethra

  • Kamran Janjua

    Tom C. Nguyen Steve Henao

  • Mary W. Studious

    You guys are hilarious.

  • Peter J. Schupp

    Heather H Almond RN Tiffany Moore DeWitt

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