WORCESTER, MA – Local medical student Jeremy Wynn was escorted out of his medical school library this Saturday by police with the official police reports stating that he was “mistakenly thought to be a homeless man.”
Jeremy was studying for the USMLE Step 1 exam. For those unfamiliar with this exam (anyone whose heart rate didn’t suddenly increase 20 beats per minute upon reading that last line), the score dictates your competitiveness and eligibility for various residency programs. An 8-hour exam that essentially dictates the REST OF YOUR LIFE, that’s all.
Like most medical students, Jeremy started studying about four months before the exam. As the test came closer, Jeremy cut things out of his life that took time away from studying.
“I quit shaving 4 months ago. Then about 2 weeks before my test, I brought a couple weeks’ worth supply of non-perishable foods to the library,” Jeremy told reporters. “I don’t think I moved from my spot except to go to the bathroom.”
Jeremy talked about his USMLE First Aid Books that he had highlighted and underlined so much that he could recite the whole book from memory. Not one reporter appeared impressed.
Librarian Tammy Foster told reporters, “This man has been in the library for weeks. He smelt horrible and had a big, snarly beard. He was wearing the same clothes day after day. In fact I think he was sleeping overnight here.” Tammy went on to say that she called the police instead of confronting a potentially dangerous man.
“He would pace the hall emphatically yelling odd medical terms and he would hit himself occasionally while saying, ‘Stop being so stupid.’ You know it reminded me of that Real World Medical School show that was canceled last month,” said Foster. “He would eat his food straight from a can with his finger-tip-less gloves and then lick each finger individually.”
“When he was sleeping, he was always mumbling odd things like ‘c-AMP glycoprotein’ and ‘Some Lovers Try Positions That They Cannot Handle.’ He was just flat-out odd,” another librarian claimed.
The police came and took Wynn away to jail until he was able to clear up the misunderstanding that morning. “A hot and a cot. I think I got the better end of this deal,” said Jeremy.
Jeremy told reporters how he hadn’t slept that good in weeks. “I didn’t even notice Slasher standing over my bed until the morning.”