BREAKING NEWS – For years large hospitals have used nurse float pools – a team of nurses able to work in multiple specialties and units during shortages or call-offs. Archeological evidence near the grave of Florence Nightingale reveals that nurse float pools were never meant to be metaphorical. New charting in her handwriting detailing proper care of Crimean War soldiers listed, “Fresh air, plenty of sunlight, and a steady supply of nurses paddling and frolicking about the float pool until they are fished out at a time of need.”
Although publicly denying their existence, hospital administrators immediately began eagerly searching for these mythical places and the new staff members they might provide. As you read this, literal nurse float pools are being discovered in prestigious institutions across the nation.
Contrary to the party scene you may be imaging right now, most of the nurse float pools feature properly dressed, middle-aged nurses floating serenely on inner tubes, rafts, and noodles, their noble hats bobbing with the lazy current of the float pool.
Unfortunately, these blissful pools will soon be a thing of the past. “Better staffing may remedy the bullying and occasional kidnapping that occurs in every stressful job, but I’m sure there’s a Joint Commission or Affordable Care Act rule against hospital float pools,” states Kathleen Sebelius, Secretary of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. “We recommend these pools be immediately drained and filled with a paper copy of the Affordable Care Act; larger pools may have room for two copies.”