Nursing Home STDs on the Rise, and I Just Threw Up a Little in My Mouth

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ATHENS, GA – “Simply disgusting,” was one man’s response to hearing about nursing home sexually-transmitted diseases (STDs) on the rise.  “A little warning, next time before just giving me that headline, please.  I honestly did just throw up a small amount in my mouth which has made the whole situation even worse.  Anybody have some water?”

Young nurse and female senior with walking frameGomerBlog wishes this story was made up, but countless studies and reports are indicating that STDs are rampantly increasing throughout nursing homes.  Apparently 70 is now the new 50, especially with the assistance of pharmacologic agents.  GomerBlog reluctantly went to several nursing homes to poll some of the residents.

“Oh yeah, smashing is abundant here,” said 82-year-old resident George Wickersen.  “With not much else to do, there is excitement in sneaking into rooms at night.”  GomerBlog was surprised to hear the term ‘smashing’ and asked Wickersen to elaborate.  “You know, from that GTL show… that one with that Snooki girl.  Jersey Girls or whatever.  I try to smash at least twice a week here.”

Other residents had very similar stories to describe and it became very clear that this nursing home sees more action than we would like to think.

“Protection, yeah I use protection,” said another resident Clarence Carters.  “I hold on to my walker if that is what you are talking about.”  Condoms were nonexistent in the facility but several rooms did have Saran Wrap boxes near the beds for some reason.

STDs have climbed a staggering 47% in the past decade in nursing home residents and nobody knows how to stop it.  “We can’t stop consenting adults from engaging in these acts,” says home director Janet Stomburgh.  “If 80-year-olds want to partake in these activities, we can’t stop them.  Well, we can by withholding medications, but that of course is unethical.”

MTV is considering filming a new series called Real Nursing Home but skeptics are concerned that gastric contents in people’s oropharynx may be a complete turnoff, thus hurting ratings.

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