I’m sure you’re reading about the Flint water crisis and thinking the same thing as me: Michigan Governor Rick Snyder, the state’s Department of Environmental Quality, and other government officials are true heroes! BRAVO!!! BRAVO!!! Every time I think of them I just want to give a standing ovation. See, like them and many of you out there reading this, I prefer my drinking water to be highly corrosive and full of lead.

20150154caf24741f67Whenever I drink treated or filtered or clean tap water, all I can think is how bland it is (YAWN!!!). It tastes like nothing. What utterly boring water! BORING! But water from the Flint River makes me feel so alive! Because it tastes like death! Imagine if rotting carcasses were a liquid, what would it smell, look, and taste like?! EXACTLY!!! It would be exactly like the water those lucky citizens of Flint are imbibing. I want my water to excite me, make me vomit, and seek medical attention. I prefer describing my water with fun terms like “murky,” “ominous,” and “foamy.” Fiji water? Hell no! I want my water to have unidentifiable particulate matter!

I’ll admit, I’m always a bit skeptical when someone hands me a glass of water and I can see right through it. Why is it so clear, so transparent? What is its hidden agenda? But since those cost-cutting measures, my drinking water (I don’t boil it, it kills off the tasty E. coli) has been opaque and indistinguishable from bilious emesis or active C. difficile diarrhea since April 2014. April 2014!!! I still remember that day – Ah, memories! – when the Flint River was first used. It was described as a “historic moment,” that the “water quality speaks for itself.” Does it ever! It also sh*ts for itself, I love it! To think, I’ve been exposed to this amazingly filthy water for over a year! Thank you, Michigan leaders, for that!

And those aren’t the only benefits of this magical new piss water either. Many of you are concerned parents. You wish the best for your kids. That’s why I was crying tears of joy – my goodness, how many boxes of Kleenex I must’ve went through! – when I found out that that my children are finally getting the excess lead they deserve! Led Zeppelin rules and lead rules! To think, we’ve affected over 8,000 children in such a positive way! Nutritional deficiencies can be detrimental to the development of children. That’s why I make sure they get enough iron and vitamin D and, thanks to my beloved state leaders, they’ll now get more than enough lead! Thank you for that too!

Despite all of their hard work and diligence to ensure the best for the people of Flint, Michigan leaders have remained humble by not bringing too much attention to themselves and us. Why else would they not declare a state of emergency only until earlier this month? They’re such wonderful, decent people! While I’m writing, one of my pregnant friends is asking me to thank you on her behalf. She’s relieved to know that her baby will grow up just fine!

A quick message to the National Guard, who is handing out thousands and thousands of clean bottles of water: Thank you for your service, but no thank you to the bottled water. I’m gonna stick by my Michigan government leaders until the very end. Why you ask? Because they like their water dirty, poisonous, and hazardous. Just like me.

Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.