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PHILADELPHIA, PA – Doctor’s offices around the country use questionnaires and multiple intake-sheets in their offices.  Sometimes filling out these forms can take upwards of 40 minutes.  A typical waiting room in the US will have 10 people with clipboards filling out forms.

Please fill out your address on these 13 pages...
Please fill out your address on these 13 pages…

New information has been leaked suggesting these questionnaires are mainly used as a distraction when doctors fall behind schedule.  One desk clerk, who wishes to remain anonymous, told GomerBlog: “When the doctor starts falling behind we grab a second stack of intake forms.”  Pointing to the forms that ask the patient’s full name, social security number, and address in three different places.  It also has each child’s name and their address without a box to check that says “same as parent’s.”  “If she really falls behind we grab this ‘fat boy,’ she held up a giant stack of papers with two hands: ‘an alternative 6-month baby questionnaire which has over 70 questions including (reading from the actual questionnaire):

  • When singing Farmer in the Dell to your child, and you make it to the last verse ‘The cheese stands alone,‘ does your child grab his/her left foot with their right hand: Always, Often, Occasionally, Sometimes, Almost Never, Rarely, and Never.”

Also:

  • “Count to 300 to your 6-month old, on prime numbers does your baby smile?  Always, Often, Occasionally, Sometimes, Almost Never, Rarely, and Never.”

This will give us at least 30 more minutes.”  She went on to explain how even the answers to these tough questions were a time-suck.  Patients have been duped for years.  Johnathan Jenkins, a patient at Clinic First, said, “Here I’ve been filling out these forms like a sucker.  I had no idea it was to pass the time.  I could have read about my cousin’s update on Facebook as well as that high school classmate that I spoke to twice in my life!” This technique has been working across America for years as more patients enter the healthcare system the paperwork will only increase.  Typically the desk clerk will shred the 14 to 20 completed forms after the patient leaves for the exam room.  “We only need their address once, not 6 times.  We are electronic, what are we going to do with all this paperwork?  We aren’t the government.”

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