Methadone drone

Pain Clinic Unveils New ‘Methadrone’ Delivery

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TALLAHASSEE, FL – A new cutting-edge system for delivery of maintenance narcotics was unveiled in the Florida panhandle last month, as Our Lady of the Weeping Buttock Abscess Hospital (OLWBAH) in Tallahassee introduced a drug delivery option for their methadone patients.

Methadone drone
‘Methadrones’ are here, at least in Florida

“We saw how Amazon experimented with drone delivery over the holidays last year, and we figured it could work for us,” explained Oliver Klosoph, MD, an anesthesiologist and pain management specialist at OLWBAH.

Essentially, patients can subscribe to the service online and develop a monthly payment plan using VISA, MasterCard, or EBT, so long as they have a prescription, and preferably not one written in crayon.  Although blue and green crayon writing will be accepted by Methadrone pharmacies.

The rest is easy, as the patient simply walks, crawls, or Hoverounds into their front yard at a predetermined time and then awaits the mystical Methadrone.  Typically, within 1-2 minutes of the predetermined delivery time, the drone arrives with the daily narcotic dose.  It is controlled off-site, via pain nurses and flight nurses by remote control and video monitors.  The patient leans their head back, opens up, and their sweet relief lands softly onto their tongue.

“What’s nice about the Methadrone system is that we don’t have to prescribe 30 pills at a time anymore,” said Klosoph.  “This way we can limit the amount of narcotic the patient takes, well at least from us.”

“It couldn’t be any simpler,” explains Troy LeDouche, a Methadrone subscriber.  “Before, I had to arrange a ride to clinic or spend hours of my day shlepping around on the bus.  Now, I just get that monthly payment in, and walk out the front door every day at 11:00.  No need to shower or get presentable.  I am back in the house and watching It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia reruns by 11:05.  I haven’t put on pants in three months.”

Concerns of the Methadrone being shot down or otherwise incapacitated for her precious cargo are so far unfounded.  “We understand that this is the South, and just about everyone owns numerous guns and rocket launchers,” explained Klosoph.

“We also know that just about 100% of North Florida residents use opioids daily, whether in a prescribed or recreational manner.  Obviously, this makes our drones a target.  We have prevented hostile activity against our drones so far with the strategy of also flying decoy drones carrying only cat urine or Dilaumed.”

Florida thunderstorms may wreak havoc on the program, but OLWBAH has backup locations for when Methadrones are grounded.  “It will require a small walk in the rain for patients, but as we now know, rain may be curative to their disease.”

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  • Jake Ho

    After 10 years spent fighting the unwinnable war that is Emergency Medicine in America, an "ER doctor" left medicine altogether and joined a Buddhist temple in Tibet, changing his name to "Jake Ho." He found the peaceful solitude he achieved to be the antithesis of years spent dealing with unreasonable requests and reprimands from patients, families, hospital administrators, and consultants. The vows of celibacy and silence he took are largely mitigated by the blogging and internet porn made possible thanks to the temple's excellent Wi-Fi connection.

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