Woman Enjoys “Natural Birth,” Streams Over FaceTime

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HIGHLAND PARK, OH – Janet Freech, a 38-year-old parturient, wrote in her birth plan that her goal was to deliver “completely natural.”  In the plan she specifically refused all available modern medical interventions in order to balance nature’s natural energy.

Natural Birth is naturally painful!
Natural Birth is naturally painful!

After a successful round of in-vitro fertilization, Janet was able to naturally labor in her sophisticated individual birthing suite illuminated by adjustable ambient lighting.  Outside it was a scorching 98 degrees and 85% humidity, but luckily for Janet she was inside experiencing a cool, natural 72-degree environment with a natural fan blowing to cool her off.

During the labor process she laced up her all-natural Nike cross trainers and walked the naturally occurring carpet in the hall, trying to progress labor.  Later, when the midwife checked her with the natural non-latex sterile glove, Janet was 4 centimeters and in active labor.  Sweating in pain.

Excited, she quickly tweeted, “In active labor! #allnaturalbirth.”  The natural social media site was updated after her message was transmitted from her iPhone 5s.  She then took a “selfie” for her Facebook wall, which at press time already had over 275 natural likes.

Before her labor became too intense she pulled out her Macbook Pro and updated her blog on the internet titled, “Natural Child Birth, Giving Birth the Most Natural Way,” taking a 30-second break every 3 minutes to breathe then scream through the contraction.

To assist her cervical dilatation, she then rotated and bounced on an all-natural birthing ball listening to natural music on her iPhone.  Unfortunately this didn’t help and Pitocin was started to help advance labor.  Her next tweet read, “Labor augmented, still no epidural #allnaturalbirth.”

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When her pain was getting to the point of being unbearable, Janet almost faltered from her 9 months of promising to her readers and friends that she was going all-natural.  She started to entertain the idea of an epidural for 90-second windows between contractions.

Thankfully her doula swooped in – who earlier unsuccessfully tried to get her to labor without an IV – and convinced her to press on.  “Come on Janet, stick with it.  You don’t need any medicine to help this natural labor!” as the Pitocin continuously dripped to help Janet have a baby.

“We need you to focus.  How about you FaceTime this labor with your parents?”

Janet thought this was a great idea.  She powered up her laptop and started to stream every part of her natural labor to her family with her ultra-HD camera.

Her family tried to get words of encouragement in between the screams of pain that could be heard from outside the room.  “Good job, honey, you can do this!” and “Keep going the natural way!”

Janet’s husband continued to give words of unhelpful encouragement like “Just breathe honey” and “It’s easy, you got this” followed by “Way to go!  I did this to you.”  Saying this over and over and over again.

Janet’s cervix stretched from 2 cm to 10 cm over a 5-hour period that was naturally experienced.  Then her beautiful baby, while being pushed out of her vagina, ripped the tissue on its way out (not an uncommon occurrence) was also experienced naturally.

Finally, when the episiotomy was repaired and Janet was holding her newborn she then fell asleep trying to breastfeed her baby, too tired from the natural delivery to stay awake. Later when she awoke she said, “I have a raging headache, is there any way I could get some ibuprofen?”

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    Susan Wellnitz Rutherford

    Kinda has a lil truth to it.. if you want an ‘all-natural’ birth then do like that one woman on YouTube did, squat on a creek bank n push ’em out. I mean, what’s more natural & safe then nature itself? I mean all today’s interventions really did was help women and babies survive. People who put down birthing nowadays kinda irk me. I want to see these hard core ‘I don’t want my baby born with drugs or medical intervention of any kind’ be turned down & say ‘well, you don’t need us or our ultrasounds, blood work or assistance so have it at home!’ But I’d also hate to see a woman or baby die bc of a complication not caught bc she insisted on no interventions! ***3 kids, 1 induction & 2 natural labors & only 1 shot of pain med with each one!!!***

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    Terri Hicks

    You can make plans, but life happens!

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    Brandi Hicks

    Terri Hicks lol

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    Brandi Hicks

    I.die. Briana Hickspedicone

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    Cherie Atkinson Tan

    So funny

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    Andria Holmes Holt

    Hilarious. As a side note from an OB nurse – if she tore, she didn’t have an “episiotomy”.

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    Jessica Bode

    Birth Plan = Trip to the OR!

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    Zornorph

    Well, I find THAT funny.

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    Angela Lindell Temme

    It’s ‘natural’ to die from appendicitis… But we don’t do that! Having a birth ‘plan’ is unnatural as we cannot predict what the universe has in store for us. Obviously, I love anesthesia – it’s a wonderful experience too! ;)

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    Kristi Anne

    Love this!

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    Tiffany Vertrees DeVaney

    Omg I love after delivery they say “I’ll take anything you have for pain!” Really?

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    Robin Fahringer Mitchell Machajewski

    Kristina Fahringer Day?

  • Avatar
    Cashew Ricker

    Kim Rutherford Heaton Stephanie Green Val Meyer Karen Lechner

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    Terresa A Tate

    Love it!! And I was a “natural” birther!!!

  • Avatar
    Terresa A Tate

    Love it!! And I was a “natural” birther!!!

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    Jamie Martinez

    Ha! I love the Gomerblog!

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    Jamie Martinez

    Ha! I love the Gomerblog!

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    Kristi Kell Falco

    As a “natural” birther not sure if I find this funny or offensive.

  • Avatar
    Kristi Kell Falco

    As a “natural” birther not sure if I find this funny or offensive.

  • Avatar
    Sara Hammond

    Corri Myers reminds me of what u said about ur yoga class :)

  • Avatar
    Clare Calogero

    Tony – is this “champagne socialist”?

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