colon cleansing

Medical Science Catching Up to Fad Diets in New Exciting Breakthrough

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PORTLAND, OR – In what is being called one of the greatest breakthroughs in modern medicine, scientists at Hood River University have discovered a litany of naturally-produced toxins that need exogenous flushing from the human body.

“A lot of the things we believed, even just a few years ago, are about to change,” explained Dr. Mark McKinley, one of the lead researchers on the project.  “We actually used to think that under normal circumstances, the human body was capable of metabolizing and excreting toxic substances all on its own.”

Dr. McKinley explained that a convoluted system of organs, enzymes, and cofactors were essentially fabricated by medical science institutions desperate for answers to questions about basic human functioning.

“For instance,” he continues, “we used to think urea, a toxic substance constantly produced by the body, was filtered by the kidney and excreted in urine.  Or that drinking alcohol was metabolized by a mysterious enzyme called ‘alcohol dehydrogenase’ to a chemical called ‘acetaldehyde,’ and then again by yet another enzyme to acetic acid, which is essentially vinegar.  In hindsight, it’s hard to see how we were fooled.  I mean, none of this really seems plausible if you ask me; it’s much too convoluted.”

With the courage to question what seemed impossible, Dr. McKinley embarked on his quest to prove wrong our current understanding of human metabolism.

“I decided to look at populations in this country who seem the healthiest,” revealed Dr. McKinley.  “A lot of the people I looked at were doing something they called a ‘juice cleanse.’  It was basically ingestion of a series of different juice combinations, like apricot-cayenne-lime, or asparagus-flaxseed-beet, for weeks on end with the intent of ‘detoxifying’ the body.  And that’s when it hit me.  These people were so in-tune with their metabolism that they instinctively knew what they needed.”

What began with a simple observation turned into a major project, and culminated in a monumental discovery withstanding rigorous scientific scrutiny.

“Fast-forward five-and-a-half years of research,” says a proud Dr. McKinley, “and we can now throw out all that liver-kidney-enzyme nonsense.  It’s clear that the body produces and builds up high levels of these ‘toxins,’ which necessitate ‘flushing‘ by a series of complex and expensive juices.  If a person is unable to ‘flush’ the ‘toxins,’ either due to juice-access difficulty or a tragic reliance on out-of-date medical science, the toxin levels build, eventually resulting in death.  It’s the same reason our neanderthal ancestors died out.  Without the ability to create berry-spinach-parsley or mango-romaine-jicama juices, the toxin buildup would likely have been fatal.”

Dr. McKinley is determined to continue to investigate the intricacies of human metabolism, and next plans to research how various foods can help to balance our bodily pH’s and how gluten is destroying our bodies.

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    Once a wide-eyed and idealistic physician in-training, Dr. Cokinsox McTavington had his soul crushed and subsequently hardened after roughly 3 and 1/2 shifts in the ED. Now, no longer giving even one shit, he’s turned into an oxycodone and Percocet dispensing machine seeking to rid the world of intractable lower back pain, while simultaneously keeping his Press Ganey scales sky-high. In short, he’s that bastard you always wished you could be, but never quite had the stones. In his spare time he keeps himself busy daydreaming about other careers, crying in the corner alone, and of course, writing for Gomerblog.

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    Guest

    can’t tell if serious…

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    Aldo Briganti

    Moscato wine has the the higher detoxing compound in natural food.

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    Helen Aanstoos

    Some people really don’t know what satire is. And yes, reading the comments is as funny as the article.

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    Theresa George

    Sandra Nasilowski

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    Phil Bowe

    Oh man. I’m so glad this is satire. I need more coffee before getting on the internet on mondays.

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    Nancy Lynne

    I knew water was too inexpensive to be effective. ; )

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    Jeanette Wierman

    Baaahaaahaaaa!

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    Robin Fahringer Mitchell Machajewski

    LOL! HEY! As a grain – free believer this hits just a little too close to home! (And I love my juicer!) PPPPTTTTHHH!!!! ;-)

  • Avatar
    Shannon Wersal

    Nailed it!

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    Pamela Hall Duerr

    I would love to share this, but I would get hated on…

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    Chris Hill DeLuca

    I’m wondering how many of these “shares” don’t recognize that it’s satire.

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    Matthew Mark Gaines

    Kerry Penman Gaines

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    Jennifer Christian Moeller

    There’s always someone who doesn’t get it….and that makes it ten times funnier.

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    Scott Greenberg

    Well Medicaid and the American tax payers should be happy, who needs dialysis when you can just whip up a pomegranate-kiwi-carrot juice three times a week

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    Jane Luu

    Awesome

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    Peter Larcombe

    Oi! Zara Larcombe. No more juicing, if you don’t mind. X

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    Gomerblog

    Absolutely! These supplement companies truly do care about your well being…and making money while they are at it.

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    Betsy O’Herron Tolbert

    Purchasing these program plans and supplements are really an investment in your health, unlike doctors and big pharma that are selling pills and services to make a profit off the consumer.

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