hospital casino

Las Vegas Hospital Expands into Luxury Resort and Casino

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LAS VEGAS, NV – In a bold new plan to increase hospital revenue streams, hospital administrators at Las Vegas Medical Center have teamed up with MGM Resorts International to expand and convert the Level II trauma center into an AAA Five Diamond Award-winning luxury resort and casino.

“Over the past few years, we’ve realized the rest of the [Las Vegas] Strip is booming, while we’ve become stagnant,” commented Dr. Ron White, CEO of Las Vegas Medical Center.  “We had to go in this direction.”

MGM Resorts International is a well-known hospitality and entertainment company with numerous properties on the Las Vegas Strip, including The Bellagio, The Mirage, Luxor, Mandalay Bay, and The MGM Grand.  This will be their first foray into healthcare.

“We couldn’t be more excited,” said a spokesperson for MGM.  “We heard the hospital staff’s cries for more help and more resources and that’s exactly what we’ll bring: world-class restaurants, night clubs, extravagant shops, and the most comprehensive casino experience you could ever imagine.”

Tomorrow night, Las Vegas Medical Center plans to unveil the new name of the resort, casino, and entertainment complex: Ricchezza, which translates in Italian to “wealth.”

“Reimbursement from complicated inpatient stays and procedures just isn’t cutting it any more,” added White.

The first phase of construction is slated to begin in November.  The hospital lobby will undergo renovations with the goal of introducing over 1,500 video slot machines, a 5,000-square-foot poker room featuring 30 tables, and numerous table games including blackjack, roulette, craps, and baccarat.  The area will be smoke-free and feature 24-hour tableside dining, complimentary beverage service, 6 40” television screens, and 1 automated external defibrillator (AED).

The second phase of construction will be a bigger undertaking.  The current east wing with 400 inpatient beds will be torn down to make way for 2,000 guest rooms, guest suites, and villas, and an art gallery featuring the work of glass sculptor Dale Chihuly.  The current west wing containing the emergency room (ER), radiology, and intensive care units (ICUs) will be demolished, and a new a spa tower with over 500 rooms and a state-of-the-art beauty oasis will take its place.

The third and final phase of construction will see the demolition of the outpatient clinic building, all surgical suites, and pharmacy.  This will create space for more important additions, including: (1) a theatre, providing the best in hospital entertainment, (2) a dining wing, showcasing the best in fine and casual dining from world-renowned chefs, (3) a wine cellar, housing over 4,000 different wines from all over the world, and (4) the Ricchezza Shops, offering the best in luxury hospital shopping.

Future guests are excited for the change.

“I can’t wait to be hospitalized next year,” said Las Vegas resident Susan Vale.  “I hope I can catch both pneumonia and Cirque du Soleil!”

MGM anticipates immense success upon completion of Ricchezza and plans to fully phase out all patients and providers by January 2020, though they will be provided the opportunity to stay as waiters, waitresses, valets, and concierges.

The minimum age for admission will be 21 years.

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    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

  • Show Comments

  • Avatar
    Beth Vogelzang

    Benjamin Vogelzang. – I have found your dream placement!!!

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    Robin Fahringer Mitchell Machajewski

    This will DEFINITELY increase patient satisfaction scores – so that makes it an AWESOME idea!!! (I just hope I’m allowed to work for tips in addition to my hourly wage….)

  • Avatar
    Lucretia Mortensen

    I love it. My sister calls sunrise hospital “sunrise hotel and casino”

  • Avatar
    Adam Delu

    Also, how many SATIRE ALERTS do you need on a post like this? Some indignant person always takes the bait.

  • Avatar
    Karleena Twitchell

    Hilarious!!! (Though it totally would not surprise me if something like this actually happened!)

  • Avatar
    Karleena Twitchell

    Yes. This site is satire. Meant to be funny!

  • Avatar
    Christine Hanusewicz McGloin

    Is this a joke?

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    prize 4u282

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