We’ve all been there.  You’re at bedside with your patient and you find yourself stumped on which wine you should drink to best pair with him or her.  You may be stressed and simply want to drink yourself silly, taking no heed to what kind of alcohol you put in your body.  Though that approach is completely acceptable and even encouraged at times, consider these fine wine pairings to bring out subtleties or enhance certain qualities in your patients or your work.

wine pairsRefreshing and zesty white wines are a great match for flaky patients.

Patients can be quite flaky at times, but this doesn’t mean you can’t have a nice wine to make them more palatable.  Flaky patients are generally mild in flavor and thin.  Take a sip of Pinot Grigio or Vermentino from Italy, Muscadet or Sauvignon Blanc from the Loire Valley, or even a Greek white wine to perfectly balance this kind of patient’s personality and flavor profile.

If your patient is both fishy and salty, Champagne is the way to go.

For a patient who is sketchy and aggressive, Champagne can prove to be the perfect match.  When you consume Champagne, the bubbles lighten the patient’s tough pain-seeking exterior while the acidity helps dissipate some of your patient’s fishy features allowing you to tolerate him or her far longer than you would otherwise be able.  Champagne and other sparkling wines also pair particularly well with patients who are entitled.

Moscato d’Asti is delicious with sweet little old ladies.

The light, sweet, fizzy, and crisp nature of Moscato d’Asti has a delightful and pleasant way of pairing with cute little old ladies.  If you thought your LOLs were cute and adorable now, imagine how much more so when you have a glass or two of Moscato d’Asti; they will become an absolute HOOT!!!  Another tip: Moscato d’Asti also goes incredibly well with spicy and improper patients, as the sweetness of the wine cuts through their nonsense and BS.

A patient with fatty liver disease should stop drinking, but you should drink Sauternes.

Like Sauternes and foie gras, Sauternes and a patient with fatty liver disease is a classic and stunning pairing.  When you consume the sweet, rich, alcoholic, and acidic Sauternes while taking care of a buttery and salty fatty liver patient, your taste buds will experience the ultimate food orgasm as they dance with wondrous intensity.  You’ll never think of Sauternes or liver disease the same way again.

When in doubt, it’s never wrong to pair the patient with a wine region.

Sometimes it’s best to keep things simple.  Is your patient Italian and earthy?  Then try an Italian red like Sangiovese and Nebbiolo.  Chill and from the West Coast?  Anything from Santa Barbara or Napa Valley will do.

Any alcohol, not just wine, pairs with charting, notes, and discharge summaries, especially late at night.

Are you frustrated because you have so many notes or discharge summaries left to do?  Don’t you fret!  Grab your favorite alcoholic beverage – beer, wine, spirit, or even hand-sanitizer – and say “Bottom’s up!”  Not only will those notes get done, but you’ll have an absolute blast doing so.  Just be careful with all those typos and curse words.

Dr. 99 believes wine can be paired with anything in life.  Please join Dr. 99 in this endeavor and have your primary care physician monitor your liver function tests every six months.

Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.