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TAMPA, FL – In order to comply with new government healthcare regulations involving patient satisfaction, hospital administrators at Tampa Memorial Cross Hospital have decided to rename registered nurses (RNs) to a more appropriate title, “Refreshments and Narcotics”.

registered nurses
“Kind sir, here is your Vicodin for your 12/10 pain”

“Change had to occur,” said hospital CEO Karen Wildrens.  “Government-mandated health care changes have forced us to adopt new hospital practices.  We need to update our current workers and recruit for what we actually need at the hospital.”

In order to allow nurses to still hold and maintain a title of RN, a simple replacement of the words starting with the same letters easily allowed the hospital to maintain the abbreviation.

Wildrens continued: “I think our nurses will appreciate a more accurate job title.  Who wants to be called one thing when that has nothing to do with what you are actually doing?  Healthcare is not measured by the quality of healthcare anymore.  Pleasing the patient in giving them whatever they want in a homely atmosphere is the new standard.  We technically don’t need qualified RNs now, well not registered nurses that is (chuckle).”

The human resources department can now recruit nurses who will fill new roles and will be less likely to fight the system like veteran nurses.

“Most veteran nurses have already expressed their displeasure in their new roles here, so we are hoping to just infuriate them enough to quit. New nurses tend to be energetic and naïve.  If we tell them from the start that they will be delivering Dilaudid and turkey sandwiches as their full time job, they are more likely to just accept it.  Most have student loans and need a job, so I believe our program will work.”

Nursing schools will soon add new classes in their curriculum to accommodate these unmet demands.  Classes will focus on dispensing obscene amounts of narcotic pain medications to patients who claim 10/10 pain despite texting on their phone, and refreshment and culinary management classes.  Students will graduate knowing how to cut crust off sandwiches, how to determine a proper mayonnaise to meat ratio, and how to make mojitos, skills which current nurses clearly do not possess.

“Refreshments and narcotics driven care should give us an extra 2.5% in reimbursement this year,” said Wildrens.  “Next year we should be able to afford the splash mountain theme park in our atrium, in addition to hiring Chef Ramsay for our new 5-star restaurant.  What a hospital we have here!”

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