PHILADELPHIA, PA – Ham-handed OB/GYN intern, Leanna “Butterfingers” McCoy, set a new hospital record at MetLife Medical Center yesterday with a record 11 baby fumbles during a single 12-hour shift, breaking the previous record of 10 set by Mike Sanchez back on November 22, 2012.
“The thing about Leanna is that she is incredibly smart, has wonderful bedside manner, and is an adept clinician, really bright,” explains OB/GYN attending and program director Chris Sherman, going through McCoy’s folder of evaluations. “Her only flaw is mishandling infants; she puts ‘em on the ground left and right.”
Sherman pulls out several evaluations and reads a few of the comments: Bright future, as long as she stops dropping babies… A true talent, but someone get her some gloves… Independent, doesn’t need a safety net, but may benefit from a safety bassinet… Magician with the Bovie, but dare I tell you about the time she spiked a baby?
According to multiple sources, the unwieldy McCoy has always been careless when handling babies, dating back to medical school, family gatherings, and even childhood. “She dropped her dolls a lot,” said McCoy’s mother Ramona. “When Leanna was born, we thought she had two left hands.” Rather than cradling, using both arms, or holding a baby close to her body, McCoy holds a baby’s head in the palm of her hand with the rest of the baby’s body lying up against her forearm as she runs wildly with her arms flailing about. Though McCoy is only 6 months into her intern year, she has already mishandled 98 babies, earning her a laundry list of nicknames from friends, colleagues, and parents, some of which include “Butterfingers,” “Humpty Dumpty,” “McKlutz,” “McClumsy,” and “ATM,” which stands for “All-Thumbs McCoy.”
However, today is the first time she has had double-digit baby drops in one day.
Maladroit McCoy’s day started with numerous vaginal deliveries, in which she fumbled not 2, not 3, not 4, not 5, not 6, not 7, but 8 straight infants; 6 were recovered by McCoy while 2 were recovered by the opposing co-intern. Later that morning during an APGAR, McCoy bobbled and dropped a newborn 1 and 5 minutes after birth.
The eleventh fumble was not only a record-setter but a jaw-dropper as well, and it happened at about 4:55 PM, just before dinnertime. McCoy was in the process of handing a newborn baby to their proud mother and father when she turned, ran into a nurse’s backside, and fumbled the baby. It is one for the ages and is already known as “The Baby Butt Fumble.”
“If it were any other intern, any other intern, we would’ve let that intern go,” said OB/GYN physician Tina Carroll, as she comforts and soothes one of McCoy’s fumbles. “But she really is a great person and great doctor. I think that’s why we’ve all given her a pass on these baby blunders.”
One of heavy-handed McCoy’s closest friends, co-intern Rudy Wilson added: “I will say in her defense, bloody babies are slippery.”
The bumbling McCoy nearly had a twelfth and final baby drop deep in medicine territory at 6:45 PM, but it was ruled an incomplete pass since her arm was moving forward in a passing motion. This was McCoy’s only break during her rough outing, other than lunch and dinner.
Rumors are now circulating that Sherman is negotiating with NFL running backs coach and high-profile swaddler Chip Keller in order to bring him in and work with McCoy on her baby handling and newborn security. Until then, Sherman and colleagues will continue to meet with McCoy on a regular basis and preach the importance of taking care of the babies.
“You gotta hold the baby like this: high and tight, high and tight,” explained Sherman to McCoy, holding a baby doll up near his armpit and chest. “You see how secure that is?”
No babies were harmed during the writing of this article.