BALTIMORE, MD – Former top equine veterinarian for race horses and now turned top physician, Dr. Zack Berger of Johns Hopkins, has been called out by his colleagues for his unusual practices.
Whistleblower and colleague, Dr. Dan Johnson, told reporters, “Berger’s patients always complain that the pills he gives them are just TOO big. It’s not like it is an accident, I think he truly believes medicine only comes in horse pills.” He is referring to Dr. Berger’s practice of specifically writing on each script, “Large Pill Form.”
Besides his horse-pill practice, when Dr. Berger is consulted for medical management on a fracture patient, he will usually recommend “Euthanasia.”
“Sorry Dr. Berger, euthanasia is illegal and not practiced among humans, as we have orthopedic surgeons. They like bones and they will fix them.”
Dr. Johnson continued, “If someone breaks their leg he’ll say, ‘We got to put him down, I don’t think they make large enough pills for that!'”
Colleagues are now saying enough is enough. “He has to get with modern medicine and forget about horses. Humans are able to heal and live normal lives. They also respond to regular-sized pills, not horse pills, for God’s sake.”
Critics, especially former patient Charles Mathews, claims his pills may be large but Dr. Berger has never made a medical error (besides the call for euthanasia on any broken bone). “I’d go back to see him in a heartbeat,” he told reporters by phone from a dude-ranch where he was prescribed to procreate with many, many beautiful women. “Now that is a prescription I can live with!”