ninja in er

Coping with Admissions: The Art of Disguise

  • 1.2K
    Shares

The 7 Stages of Grief When Faced with an Admission” struck a chord with many of our admitting medical providers out there.  It is a new year and with a new year there are new ideas, and this year we hope to help our admitting providers cope with the stresses of admissions.  In this review, we delve further into one common but still underutilized coping mechanism: the art of disguise.

ninja in er
Try to look like this in the emergency department

Most would argue the primary objective of an admitting provider is to transition a patient from the emergency department to a medical, surgical, or intensive care unit (ICU) for the purpose of further diagnostic work-up and therapeutic intervention.  This is false.  The primary objective of an admitting provider is to GET IN AND GET OUT of the emergency department AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE without being seen by any ED personnel.  Any other objective is merely secondary.  This includes patient care.

Many admitting providers have fallen victim to the ER.  The ER is loaded with snipers, picking off admitting providers with unexpected curbsides and lemme-run-something-by-yous (LRSBYs) that ultimately lead to further admissions.  (Beware of pleasantries: these are admissions masked by superficial banter.)  ER booby traps, blitzkriegs, and bouncebacks have the potential to eliminate some of the most effective admitting providers.  Disguise is a mechanism by which an admitting provider can try to protect himself or herself from being ambushed in enemy territory.  Disguise is a way to keep admitting provider casualties to a minimum.

The most successful admitting providers are trained in the arts of ninjutsu and parkour.  They bring a patient in without ever being seen or heard in the emergency room.  They always choose the path of least resistance.  They know the quickest route between an ER entrance and a patient room, even if it requires dive rolls, wall flips, or crawling through air ducts.  They also provide crucial intelligence for other admitting providers: “Johnson is working tonight; he’s a sieve.”

Equally as important as elusive, fluid, and stealth movements are choices of physical disguise.  Admitting hospitalist Christina Ball explains.

“If you walk into the ER with scrubs, a white coat, or a stethoscope, you’re a sitting duck,” explains Ball in a low whisper.  “You’ll be finished just like that.”  She snaps her fingers.  Today, Ball has chosen to dress like a patient’s family member.  She has skillfully concealed her pager, phone, and stethoscope in an over-sized purse.  She enters the ER, looking lost, and over-exaggerates a southern accent.  “Excuse me, y’all?  I’m a little lost.  I’m the third cousin removed of Mr. Jones, where might he be?  I’m so concerned about him!”  As Ball is led to see her patient, she looks back and winks.  Just like that.

The art of disguise is one of the most crucial disciplines in the art of medicine.

There are many effective disguises.  Some successfully utilized disguises include: hobo, janitor, dining service employee, security, first-year medical student, police officer, circus clown, ninja, taxi driver, lion tamer, mime, Charlie Brown, Optimus Prime, and even Darth Vader.  No matter what disguise you choose, the underlying principle remains the same: Don’t look like you might be admitting a patient and you’re as good as gold.

However, there are times when despite one’s best movements and disguises, an EM provider is astute enough to discern a potential admitting provider.  Short of neutralizing such a threat, it is best to have a backup plan to ensure a fighting chance of escaping the ER unscathed.

“If my life is in danger, I scream, ‘ABORT MISSION, ABORT, ABORT!’ and use a flash bang to make a quick escape,” states covert admitting physician Jean Payne, who plans to cause a power outage in a few minutes and enter the ER with infrared goggles to locate his patients.  “I can’t tell you how many times I thought I was a goner.”  He starts to shed a few tears, his ER-induced post-traumatic stress disorder (ERI-PTSD) coming back in full force.  “But I’m alright… I’m alright.”

Now that we’ve explored the art of disguise, go stretch, find your best get-up or costume, and get ready to deceive your ER personnel.  This is your survival at stake!  Be safe, be nimble, and be smart!  NOW GO GET’EM!!!

image_pdfimage_print
  • Show Comments

  • Avatar
    Zachary Stancell

    Benjamin Pauly I prefer the flash bang method or cause a power outage and use the infrared goggles

  • Avatar
    Benjamin Pauly

    “Back off, man, I have ninjas!” Zachary Stancell

  • Avatar
    Manisha Patel

    Leah

  • Avatar
    James M Wilson

    Steve
    Ben
    Ryan

  • Avatar
    Elissa Thompson

    I love this … And live this

  • Avatar
    Jessica Miller

    Hilarious!

  • Avatar
    Ann Cahalan Ward

    Carol Aninos,

  • Avatar
    Ashley Baker

    Erica

  • Avatar
    Conte Pablo

    Stefanee Dziwirski ninjas tell no secrets.

  • Avatar
    Emily LeAnn

    Love it!!!! Hilarious

  • Avatar
    P Ezeb Plotyci

    Robin Rae Emily LeAnn Christeena Marie

  • Avatar
    Sinda Tomy

    That was hilarious!

  • Avatar
    Lee Lake

    And you can see the trophies of vanquished providers mounted behind the doctors desk, if you look hard enough. They are scored by age, gray hair, profession, and complaint that brought them down. One is particularly proud of the dermatologist nailed with a particularly nasty looking wart.

  • Avatar
    Lora Ann Cullipher

    G.O.M.E.R. = Get Out of My ER.

  • Avatar
    Stefanee Dziwirski

    Conte Pablo …?!?

  • Avatar
    Lorie Tyson Collier

    This is hilarious!!

  • Avatar
    Jennifer A Baines

    Lorie Tyson Collier I think you can adopt some of these skills for your rounds! Lol!

  • Avatar
    Seema Rathi Bonney

    Michele Harper ha ha

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

comment *

  • name *

  • email *

  • website *

You May Also Like

drive thru

Urgent Care to Install Drive Thru Window

5.2KSharesATLANTA, GA – An urgent care center in Atlanta, GA will be the first ...

Pharmacist Struggling to Calculate Dinner Tip

319SharesOCEANSIDE, NY – Inpatient pharmacist Mark Donato, beloved and trusted by his fellow physicians ...

fellow on rounds

Fellow Takes 5 Minutes on Rounds to Explain How His Residency Was Better Than Yours

703SharesPALO ALTO, CA – Several witnesses at Lucile Packard Children’s reported that yesterday Nikil Kandelwal, ...

The Universal Hot Crazy Matrix of Medical Specialties

20.2KSharesBOSTON, MA – Okay, so this is the Universal Hot Crazy Matrix of Medical ...

Urologist Anxiously Awaits Cryptorchid Ball Drop

4KSharesSAN DIEGO, CA – Local Urologist, Aric Triwenga MD, has an eccentric tradition that ...