urine foley catheter

After Super Bowl, Health Care Practitioners Ready to Diurese the Sh*t Out of Everyone

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – With the completion of Super Bowl XLIX so too ends the weekend of Super Bowl parties, celebrations, and unhealthy eating.  It is estimated that our nation of 300 million people is collectively 3 billion pounds over their dry weight, so the message to health care practitioners this coming post-Super Bowl week is very, very clear: Time to bear down and diurese the sh*t out of everyone.

EVERYONE.

urine foley catheter“We’re not talking oral Lasix or even 40 to 60 mg of Lasix,” said cardiologist Steven Reynolds.  “No no, we’re talking high-dose Lasix and Lasix drip time.  We’re talking metolazone and chlorothiazide time.  We’re talking Foleys left and right.  It’s about peein’ round-the-clock.  Say goodbye to your kidneys, we’re gonna shrivel ‘em up BIG time!”

Newly appointed Surgeon General Vivek Murthy recommends bypassing patient history and examination completely and just prescribing high-dose Lasix.  No need for daily weights, electrocardiograms (ECGs), chest x-rays (CXRs), or BNP (BNP) levels either.

“I’ve taken a lot of histories after Super Bowls,” said Murthy in a statement released earlier today.  “Patients either admit to overeating or are lying to your face completely.  Everyone, I repeat, EVERYONE is volume overloaded.  I say, whoever walks through that door gets Lasix 200 mg IV twice daily for a week.  We can worry about kidneys, cramps, and hearing loss later.  We must help our fellow Americans, so diurese the living sh*t out of ‘em!”

Pharmaceutical companies are working with numerous agencies to help disseminate diuretics in the most effective way possible.  Grocery stores, gas stations, and local water supplies will start carrying high-dose Lasix.  Firefighters will spray down the overloaded with the help of fire hoses and helicopter buckets.  Even U.S. military transport planes, particularly C-17s and C-130s, will be enlisted to start airdropping Lasix balloons over cities across the country.

President Obama and both parties echoed Murthy’s sentiments regarding the crisis on hand.

To pee or not to pee, that is the question,” commented President Obama.  “That’s easy.  We’re Americans.  We’re Americans after the Super Bowl.  We’re gonna pee like f’ing champs!”

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  • Dr. 99

    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

  • Show Comments

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    Jenn Cox Hightower

    Shouldn’t that be diurese the piss out of everyone?

  • Avatar
    Sarah Rushton

    Wait – you’ve got the wrong bodily function there! :p

  • Avatar
    Robin Fahringer Mitchell Machajewski

    LOL! Another one that is too close to the truth to be satire….

  • Avatar
    Jill RL

    Ingrid Fowles

  • Avatar
    Pam Black

    Lots of miralax, senna and mag citrate too!!!!

  • Avatar
    Emily Carolyn Houston
  • Avatar
    Angeline Florence

    Samantha Diaz

  • Avatar
    Courtney Forcucci

    Ben this just made my Monday morning a little better! Hope you are doing well!

  • Avatar
    Kelly Ann Bleiweis

    Awesome! Unfortunately, management just announced that all shifts must end in a brawl for the on-call pager.

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