CAMBRIDGE, MA – “Booyeah, baby…” Dr. Arthur Giles, Dean of Admissions at the School of Medicine whispered under his breath before addressing the auditorium.
“Our esteemed institution is honored to welcome the Class of 2019. Among the many noteworthy achievements and accomplishments of our future doctors, we have five returning Peace Corps Volunteers, seven Eagle Scouts, one lawyer, two engineers, a professional musician whose band toured across Europe and Asia, an artist who has had work featured at New York’s MoMA, and 178 suckers who fell for it,” he announced to much applause.
The Class of 2019 was welcomed to the university and inducted in the traditional fashion for their future profession at the annual White Coat Ceremony.
They were presented with the customary waist-length coats of student doctors, as well as stethoscopes donated by the school’s alumni foundation, all of course, after forking over the first check in a series of payments that will most likely amount to over $200,000, which the remarkable class of 2019 won’t make back for over a decade and until they have each put at least one finger into another human’s butthole.
“My dreams are finally coming true!” initiated first-year Marissa O’Donnell said to Dean Giles, as he tried to hide his snickering long enough to shake her hand at the podium.
“We’ve really increased the diversity of this class by accepting more out of state candidates than ever before. We also have a large number of combined degree candidates,” Dean Giles informed the crowd consisting of the students, their parents, and the School of Medicine’s faculty.
“The curriculum during our first two years of school will primarily consist of anatomy, biochemistry, physiology, genetics, histology, and a course in clinical skills. It makes for a very challenging curriculum; in fact, the common saying is that attending medical school is like drinking from a fire hose. But of course it is! Keeping your mark busy is the first rule of a Kansas City Shuffle. Gotta throw it at ‘em fast. Anyone knows you could learn this stuff on Youtube for free.” He concluded the hallowed occasion by remarking, “All right, pizza is here. I’m going to need to collect $10 from each of the parents.”
According to the University’s records, the Dean himself was inducted into this pyramid scheme as a part of the Class of 1971.