CPR

CPR Guidelines Made Even Simpler

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Mouth-to-mouth resuscitation was replaced by only chest compression in 2008 after a slow de-emphasis on replacement breathing.  This made CPR simple and easy to remember, and the chest compressions were set to the cadence of the catchy tune “Staying Alive.”

CPROn March 1, 2015 the American Red Cross released a controversial and even simpler CPR recommendation.  Dr. Elliot M Antman revealed the new recommendations in a press release, reminding Americans to be “realists in a new era of health care.”  He cautioned the public that “the new recommendations may seem harsh at first,” but will be easy to remember and just as effective.

The complete step-by-step recommended guide as follows:

  1. Survey the scene.  Be sure there isn’t someone else that is willing to take care of the collapsed person first.
  2. Call 911.  Or better yet, dramatically point to someone and order them to do it.
  3. Look.  The previous look, listen and feel was a bit invasive, particularly for the sketchy crowd, so looking at the person will suffice.
  4. Hit the middle of the chest with your fist, just like on TV.  Like with electronics, this is bound to work some of the time.  Plus it looks cool.
  5. Pull out your smart phone and play “Knocking on Heavens Door,” or if things are looking especially grim, “Another One Bites the Dust.”  This will help everyone in the vicinity come to peace and chill out since this person is toast.
  6. Take a selfie while you are waiting for EMS.  Your mom will be proud you tried to help.
  7. When help arrives, disappear.  Let’s be honest, nothing good will come of you sticking around and giving your name and contact information.  As soon as EMS arrives, get out of there.
  8. Self medicate.  Someone just died or will probably be dead soon, it’s time for some whiskey.

The new protocol has equal efficacy to the previous 100 beats per minute chest compressions.  5% of victims will make it from arrest to discharge from the hospital.  Training in the new CPR takes 20 minutes for learners to master, a drastic change from the 8-hour CPR course offered previously.

One criticism from the medical community has been the acknowledgement of the CPR outcomes.  Dr. Jan Webston, a public health activist, fears that the American public “isn’t ready to admit heart disease will kill you.”

Reservations aside, the new recommendations are being taught and supported as of the release date.  As an added benefit, “Knocking on Heaven’s Door” has had a boost in iTunes sales.

You can also order ZDoggMD’s Code Gold CD for more variety in CPR code songs!

 

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  • Show Comments

  • Avatar
    Sherri Anne

    Lol especially when they are hooked up to the aed and it says press harder!

  • Avatar
    Katie Kuehn

    Lmfao knocking on heavens door Sherri Anne

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    Sandra Alexandria

    I was a passerby when a motorcycle hit a car…..beautiful young man is laying in the street…not moving….I run over to make sure when he wakes up he will not move his head and neck….his hair is quite long…..one old guy , to the side of us , says LOUD , two or three times, “Is that a boy or a girl???”… I’m just ignoring him….begging to hear the sound of sirens in the distance!!! Finally, the old guy can’t control himself any longer and he reaches down and rubs his hand on the kids chest…..stands up and declares, “Yup, it’s a boy!!”
    Lucky EMS didn’t find an injured motorcyclist with a battered , bruised and bloody corpse next to it !!!

  • Avatar
    Julie Croteau Woodrow

    Haha! Yes!

  • Avatar
    Julie Croteau Woodrow

    Haha! Yes!

  • Avatar
    Marcia Peters Martin

    I just aspirated coffee due to your comment. : )

  • Avatar
    Marcia Peters Martin

    I just aspirated coffee due to your comment. : )

  • Avatar
    Marcia Peters Martin

    I just aspirated coffee due to your comment. : )

  • Avatar
    Sarah Barajas

    Stephen Quesejodan Figueroa

  • Avatar
    Marylyn Donaldson

    Certainly covers everything.

  • Avatar
    Jack Marsh

    Jimmy Nguyen

  • Avatar
    Jack Marsh

    Jimmy Nguyen

  • Avatar
    James Wevers

    Stephen Espinola

  • Avatar
    Mary-Ellen Voth

    That moment when you come across someone collapsed on the ground and think “$#!+”.

  • Avatar
    Beth Hughes Ross

    Debbie Nalley Kenney Larry Kenney

  • Avatar
    Karlene Lemieux

    Funny !

  • Avatar
    Josh Hunk

    LOL

  • Avatar
    Julie Gordon

    Karen Patricia Fortier haha

  • Avatar
    Gale Strobl

    Hope no one identifies you as a nurse…

  • Avatar
    Phil Petty

    I’ll go for help…

  • Avatar
    Gladys Moll

    missing it, ar we?

  • Avatar
    Stacey Wall

    Ellen Wall

  • Avatar
    Rissa Stackhouse

    LMAO Code Gold !!!!

  • Avatar
    Rebecca Gage

    Make sure you plug the cigarette into the BVM sideport. We ain’t got time for lower priorities.

  • Avatar
    Candice Gordon Sutherlin

    Yeah just like that but add vomit and sweat as well as about 200lns to it Brook Mizner

  • Avatar
    Tarri Hart Kolar

    omg lol

  • Avatar
    Ruth Lange-Trecker

    They say to do compressions to the beat of “Stayin alive”, but it also works to “Another one bites the dust”

  • Avatar
    Kimberly Raines

    Gotta keep those PG scores up!

  • Avatar
    Lauren Elizabeth

    Megan Monticciolo this reminds me of all the code talk from yesterday lol

  • Avatar
    Michele Marie
  • Avatar
    Brook Mizner

    Candice Gordon Sutherlin is this how it went down at the gym?!?

  • Avatar
    Robin Fahringer Mitchell Machajewski

    LMAO!!!!!!!! Just the headline is freaking HILARIOUS!!!

  • Avatar
    Erin Hall

    So true

  • Avatar
    Dana Harpole Schultz

    Rosalie Harpole Dorothy Elizabeth Campise

  • Avatar
    Emily Andry

    Pal Singh

  • Avatar
    Emily Kay Card

    Chantel Phillips bwahaha!

  • Avatar
    Ryan Sanders

    “Quick, someone fax the ambulance company the appropriate transfer forms for review, and get the corporate office to approve the purchase of an AED!”

  • Avatar
    Bill Clark

    These guidelines (with the exception of self medication) totally miss the mark.
    Everybody knows the hallmark of a quality customer resuscitation is a great press gainey score.

  • Avatar
    Terri Parkin

    Hahahahhaha

  • Avatar
    Ali Timmons Enochs

    I squeeze a mean ambu bag

  • Avatar
    Sophia M. Duran

    Haha!

  • Avatar
    Rhea Newton

    Terri. Lol.

  • Avatar
    Mitcheal Thornhill

    Make sure the patient is on a soft, comfortable surface as well. Rigid surfaces are overrated and decrease patient comfort.

  • Avatar
    Jonathan Edsell

    That code gold

  • Avatar
    Lora Ann Cullipher

    #4: Ah, yes, the precordial thump….so melodramatic.

  • Avatar
    Nancy Lynn Applegate

    Love it.

  • Avatar
    Teresa Lee Pack

    Sarah Tee did you read this one ba ha ha

  • Avatar
    Maria Nikolova-Ovcharov

    :) )))

  • Avatar
    Johanna Johnpeter Hutson

    Being a warm, compassionate ex-nurse this shouldn’t have made me laugh. But it did.

  • Avatar
    Rachel Malone Nelson

    I’ll be honest, I’ve done that. Haha

  • Avatar
    Michael J Bott

    Sue McCauley

  • Avatar
    Marylyn Madden-Maddox

    Baahaaa

  • Avatar
    Emily Sims

    Julie Anna Sims yell for Annie, no Annie? It’s hopeless. Walk away.

  • Avatar
    Aly Aylesworth

    Ben Maxwell Alexsey Baluk

  • Avatar
    Andrea Milne

    Sam ;)

  • Avatar
    Tim ‘Cowboy’ Panatera

    Yes or walk past the scene and be like” that looks bad someone should call 911″

  • Avatar
    Leslea Gallagher

    Tim

  • Avatar
    Susan Giordano
  • Avatar
    Ashley Willhoite

    Karen Messmer Arthur

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