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ATLANTA, GA – 94-year-old and 96-lb. Annabelle Rivers is as sweet and tiny as they come.  She always has her makeup done right first thing in the morning, smiles from ear to ear, and even walks with the cutest little shuffle.  Her melodic and shaky high-pitched voice will melt you like butter.  But don’t you dare cross Miss Rivers when she’s in the hospital; she won’t hesitate to show you her proficient use of profanity and mastery of offensive language.

“This ain’t grits, you c***s***er m****rf***er,” said Miss Rivers to the gentleman from dining services who brought her breakfast.  “You stupid ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, and ****!!!  But the tea is just lovely, just lovely!  Thank you so much!  Mwahhh!!”

She can really cuss up a storm.

“Now where’s the remote to the TV?” later asked Miss Rivers, looking around her hospital room in her adorable matching pajamas with flower prints.  “Hmmm…” After a few minutes, she bellows at least ten straight guttural F-bombs of varying levels of anger, frustration, and intensity.  “Oh, there it is!  Silly me, hehehehe!”

Medical staff admit that Miss Rivers is one of their favorite patients on the inpatient wards right now.  Always cute and always entertaining.  Despite her occasional disturbing, lewd, coarse, and vulgar curse words worthy of an NC-17 rating, sweet little old lady Rivers is an absolute sweetheart.

“#**@#$%*#**#&#***#@@#&*!!!!!” screamed Miss Rivers.  She accidentally dropped an ice cube into her lap.  “Sweet **** of ****, f***!!!!!!!!  Wow, I’m just so silly!”

Silly and impressively filthy.

“I’m impressed how many inappropriate variations she has for ‘penis,’ ‘vagina,’ and ‘feces’ if you wake her up for something,” said nurse Patrick Jones, who carries earplugs in case of a Rivers’ cussing fit.  “She really gets into it, like she’s possessed.  It’s scary, but kind of endearing.  She once called me a huge f*****g ****, ****bag, and an ****hat.  I both laughed and cried a little.”

GomerBlog asked Miss Rivers why she was hospitalized.  “Go s*** my ****, you *******!!!” she replied.  Then she smiled.  “Well, why aren’t you so handsome!  I could just kiss you to death!  Mwah, mwah, mwahh!!!  Now why don’t you give Mama Anna a hug?!”

“My favorite admission history ever came from Miss Rivers,” said hospitalist Erica Hayes, holding a copy of an old history & physical exam document.  “Her chief complaint: ‘F**k you!’  I quoted her a ton.  She LOVES the words **** and ****.  She used over 70 different curse words or phrases in this document alone; I counted!  I just want to be like her when I’m old: cute and a little bit frightening!”

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Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.