GRAIN VALLEY, MO – In an attempt to boost revenue and cut waiting times, a local Missouri emergency department is beta testing a program that would allow ER patients to purchase theme park-esque “speed passes” for those individuals wanting to bypass long wait times to be seen by a physician. Emergency department director and Six Flags enthusiast Dr. Kim Copanelli answered questions regarding the controversial program during a press conference outside the hospital last Saturday.
“We want to be very clear here,” explained Dr. Copanelli, self-described amusement park addict, “that we are not discriminating speed of care based on a patient’s financial ability to pay for our coveted FlashPasses.
Patients who desire expedited medical care will have a wide variety of exchange methods to choose from if purchasing a FlashPass monetarily is not feasible. For example, revocation of call button privileges, signing a non-liability waiver, taking a janitorial or dish cleaning shift, and BYOME [bring your own medical equipment] are all being considered as possible means to obtain a FlashPass.”
The ED director and rollercoaster aficionado went on to explain that the program was being designed with the help of consultants from Universal Studios, Sea World, and other top national theme parks.
When questioned as to the price of the prospective FlashPasses and other details regarding the program, Dr. Copanelli avoided specifics.
“The exact retail value of the FlashPass has yet to be determined,” said the carnival ride connoisseur and veteran emergency physician. “It is unlikely that FlashPass coupons or Groupon promotions will be released, but monthly specials may be given during certain times of the year, especially during the month of July. I can also say that monthly and yearly Platinum Club FlashPass memberships for frequent flyers, drug seekers, or those who simply see themselves as priority ED customers, are currently on the discussion board.”
Sorry, meant to type “in most cases”.
If you have to ask the cost, you probably can’t afford it! You think the ER is an all you can eat buffet? (in some cases, yes)
What if I get my hand “stamped” & go to KFC? Do I have to pay anything when I come back, or did the taxpayers pickup this one, too?
I do send plenty of ambulances to triage when appropriate for the patient and our beds are full and the wait is long. Yup, sure do.
Ellen Deffenbaugh maybe there will be a refillable Dilaudid Souvenir Syringe available each season? ?? ;)
Lenore Bacek, all my animals are getting Flash Passes
I don’t belive in the flash pass it should be based on why your there I’ve come there with my knee out of socket a track injury and had to wait in the waiting room due to a “chest pain”
It’s a satirical article
InQuicker is supposed to be the flash pass. Damn that. Not taking you back before somebody who’s sat in the ED for 2.5 hrs. I turn that sucker off at every opportunity.
How much does the all-you-can-get dilaudid option cost?
Jessica Normile Michaelis!
We are starting Inquicker in May, J-r Anders
If they’re not blue, not breathing or have a limb that’s detached and I’m in triage, the flash pass won’t impress me.
Have you heard of Inquicker? It’s already happened.
As Mr. Kurtz mentioned, while the Psych Eval Flash Pass is available in many areas, sometimes you can’t get off the ride for 48 to 72 hours and the ride may let out at a facility on the other side of the state. But I like the idea!
What about the Family Plan Flash Pass ? I mean they only take up one room … .
What about the Family Plan Flash Pass ? I mean they only take up one room … .
Whatever happened to ESIs?? Shouldn’t we be seeing patients based on what they are presenting with?? If you are well enough to take the time to get a flash pass, you probably aren’t sick enough to be seen right away
Whatever happened to ESIs?? Shouldn’t we be seeing patients based on what they are presenting with?? If you are well enough to take the time to get a flash pass, you probably aren’t sick enough to be seen right away
I heard that some people using the psychiatric evaluation flash pass have been annoyed that they weren’t able to get off the ride when they wanted.
We already have that in the EDs that let you call ahead and set an appointment time for your emergency.
Yeah… My doctor called ahead….!
Chest pain flash pass is limitless
911 is already used as a”flash pass” …..and the taxpayers buy it for you. I love this country!
The possibilities are endless!