Hospital Hires Psychic to Track Pathologists’ Patient Satisfaction

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LONG ISLAND, NY – Recent trends in the business of medicine have focused on the patient as the center of care.  Accordingly, patient satisfaction scores have become the most valued metric to many hospital administrators, impacting both compensation and job security of its hospital’s employees.  Unfortunately, when a patient dies, they are unable to provide feedback for their final procedure: the autopsy.  But local hospital administrator Dr. Michael Brown seeks to change that by hiring a psychic to contact deceased patients and administer patient satisfaction surveys.

18434712_m“These surveys are designed to get feedback from patients who have passed on regarding their satisfaction with the pathologist and with the autopsy procedure in general,” says Dr. Brown.  “To this point, we’ve been forced to evaluate our pathologists based on useless measurements like ‘accuracy of diagnosis’ and ‘quality of reports.’  But now, with the help of our psychic, the patient’s voice can finally be heard.”

Early survey results have not been favorable for the pathologists.  One patient contacted said that he was overall satisfied with his autopsy, except for “the part where they cut me open and took out all of my organs.”  Another patient complained about the unsightly scars, saying she’ll never be able to wear bikinis in public again as a result of the procedure.  Another patient reported that despite being fully gowned, her pathologist forgot to wash his hands before the procedure.

But the most common complaint has been that the pathologists aren’t getting their patient’s disembodied spirit involved in the autopsy.  “He just came in, with no introductions, no time-out, and started the procedure,” says Dana Ryan, a recent autopsee. “He didn’t talk me through it at all, and never once made eye contact with me.  It was very unprofessional.”  The Joint Commission has been notified of these timeout-less procedures.

With the help of the psychic, pathologists will now be required to obtain informed consent before performing an autopsy.  They will also be expected to schedule follow-up appointments with their patients’ ghosts, in order to establish continuity of care.  “At the end of the day, pathologists are physicians, and physicians care for their patients,” says Dr. Brown.  “That caring relationship should not end with the patient’s death.  It must follow on into the next life and beyond.  Anything less is a disservice to our customers.”

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  • Avatar
    Shawn Johnson
  • Avatar
    Shawn Johnson
  • Avatar
    Shawn Johnson
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    Bob Cantone

    I understand most give a medium rating.

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    Karen Cusato

    This really is getting out of hand. I had a flight crew picking up a patient hand me an online survey card with a code for the encounter.

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    George H Clarke

    Actually… Consent and time-out for patient identification have long been standard procedure for autopsy. Eye contact, not so much. Creeps me out.

  • Avatar
    George H Clarke

    Actually… Consent and time-out for patient identification have long been standard procedure for autopsy. Eye contact, not so much. Creeps me out.

  • Avatar
    George H Clarke

    Actually… Consent and time-out for patient identification have long been standard procedure for autopsy. Eye contact, not so much. Creeps me out.

  • Avatar
    George H Clarke

    Actually… Consent and time-out for patient identification have long been standard procedure for autopsy. Eye contact, not so much. Creeps me out.

  • Avatar
    Deborah Johnson Swindle

    Lol!

  • Avatar
    Deborah Johnson Swindle

    Lol!

  • Avatar
    Deborah Johnson Swindle

    Lol!

  • Avatar
    Deborah Johnson Swindle

    Lol!

  • Avatar
    Kimberley O’Connor

    It wouldn’t surprise me!

  • Avatar
    Kimberley O’Connor

    It wouldn’t surprise me!

  • Avatar
    Kimberley O’Connor

    It wouldn’t surprise me!

  • Avatar
    Kimberley O’Connor

    It wouldn’t surprise me!

  • Avatar
    Karen J. Williams

    Your post is so funny!!

  • Avatar
    Nick Stanzione

    Melissa stop!!! Hahahaha

  • Avatar
    Nick Stanzione

    Melissa stop!!! Hahahaha

  • Avatar
    Nancy Mathias

    Ha ha ha! Yup, I can see it now!

  • Avatar
    Darlene Hilliard-Demeter

    Are you serious!?!

  • Avatar
    Kevin Dueck

    Heh. Reminds me a bit of a classic BMJ piece. Postmortem medicine… http://www.bmj.com/content/2/6205/1639

  • Avatar
    Karen Sheppard

    Hahaha

  • Avatar
    James Uthe

    Seriously, the bikini comment is silly. It’s not like tanning is going to be an issue with the lack of pigmentation cells.

  • Avatar
    Somashekhar Nimbalkar

    ROFLOL

  • Avatar
    David Rieker

    Erika Hainley Jewell

  • Avatar
    Chris Stalling

    Melissa Stalling lolol!

  • Avatar
    Julie Garcia

    I want a second opinion.

  • Avatar
    Susan Sarason

    For real? Hmmmmmmmm

  • Avatar
    Pam Soyebo

    Timeout less procedures

  • Avatar
    Jan Thomas

    funny notion!

  • Avatar
    Bruce Welkovich

    “The arrogant doctor treated me like I was just another body…”

  • Avatar
    Kathy Moffatt

    Oh god… laughing…. Teri Rose Cuthbertson

  • Avatar
    Clarissa Jones

    Brilliant!!

  • Avatar
    Julie Garcia

    The doctor’s bedside manner left much to be desired. Plus, he played really lousy music. Zero stars.

  • Avatar
    Stephen Norman

    Krisi Amsden

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    Nora Tiffany

    Oh I hope this is a joke. Please Please tell me it is just a joke.

  • Avatar
    Sapna Sharma

    Lol hilarious

  • Avatar
    Samuel Angelique Mcguire

    “The rooms were small and really cold, and the bed was not very comfortable”

  • Avatar
    Christopher Lesko

    Ha. You wait we’ll hire some useless manager that works above and below ten other managers that went to some course for aspiring managers where a guest pychic read someone’s eyebrow and now thinks this is a great idea and it will improve our pt satisfaction scores.

  • Avatar
    Laurie Williams Hiebert

    Lol !!!!!!

  • Avatar
    Kelly Goshon

    too funny!

  • Avatar
    Linda Ranne Barberi

    Patient chief complaint: not receiving Dilaudid or Xanax prior to autopsy.

  • Avatar
    Heather Mack Layton

    Don’t give Joint Commission any ideas……..

  • Avatar
    Melissa Pham

    Nick Stanzione

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