new stethoscope

New Littmann Stethoscope Allows You to Hear One’s Thoughts

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ST. PAUL, MN – Manufacturer 3M has released a new Littman Mind-Reading I Stethoscope for health care practitioners to help diagnose someone else’s thoughts, instincts, and motivations, and promises to do so with superior acoustic performance, durability, and convenience that has made Littmann a leading name in the health care industry for decades.

new stethoscopeThis is the first stethoscope dedicated solely to mind auscultation.

“I don’t understand what my patients say to me sometimes and I wish I could just hear their thoughts,” explained nurse Kate Baxter as she tosses out her old stethoscope.  “This new Littman has changed my practice forever.  It’s amazing what I can hear and with such clarity.  Now I know what my patient is thinking.  What he really wants is a delicious sandwich, not a barium enema.”

“There was this one patient who kept screaming for pain medication,” said emergency room (ER) nurse practitioner Andrew McMillen, another satisfied Littmann Mind-Reading I Stethoscope customer.  “Then I listened, listened carefully, and realized that all he wanted was a hug.”

The brand-new Littmann Mind-Reading I Stethoscope is built with a single 27” double-lumen tube with two identical headsets at each end, one for the listener and another for the listenee.  With snap-tight, soft-sealing, but comfortable ear tips, an airtight acoustic seal is produced for optimal transmission of sound between a healthcare practitioner and his or her patient’s psyche.

“We thought that putting the diaphragm of a traditional stethoscope onto someone’s head was just silly,” said 3M spokesperson Marie Cranston.  “By eliminating the diaphragm, we were given the freedom to add a second headset that plugs directly into a patient’s ears and, subsequently, their brain and consciousness.  The rest is history.”

Love for the new stethoscope is universal, particularly from psychiatrists.

“There are times when I can’t tell if a patient is floridly psychotic,” said psychiatrist Shawn Zimmerman, showing off his shiny new lime green Littmann Mind-Reading I Stethoscope.  “But when I use this, I can clearly auscultate his mind and now I hear with tremendous precision all the voices in his head.  Seventeen to be exact.”

With the insight provided by the new Littmann stethoscopes, nurses, doctors, physician assistants, and nurse practitioners are finding the need for verbal communication with patients obsolete.  Reports suggest an exponential increase in the use of duct tape to keep patients quiet, to not only maximize stethoscopic findings, but also to minimize headaches associated with nonsensical banter, belligerence, and narcotic requests.

“Best stethoscope ever,” commented cardiologist Reva Thadani, as she taped her next clinic patient’s mouth shut.  “Seriously.  Best stethoscope ever.”

  • Dr. 99

    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

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