NEW YORK, NY – In a stunning conclusion to an ongoing debate about the future of Dr. Oz, the state medical board investigating him announced that they have agreed on the proper reprimand for the once prominent surgeon mired in controversy.
Dr. Oz’s peddling of mind-boggling health products, dispensing medical advice of a maniacal and delusional lunatic as well as poorly-written TV jokes are a clear violation of professional ethics and human decency all together. This board was charged with a monumental task of disciplining such an egregious deviation from common sense and evisceration of moral principles of medical profession. After an extensive review of our options and solicited input from the AMA, Health Insurers Association of America, U.S. Congress, Doc McStuffins, President Dr. Ben Carson and Nurse Practitioner General, we have concluded that only a single course of action adjudicates his transgressions and reciprocates the consequences of his quackery. Dr. Oz is hereby ordered to return back to his full-time surgical practice starting Monday. To reiterate: He is to provide direct patient care in accordance with standards endorsed by his specialty board, while abiding with the policies and procedures of the facility where he is credentialed to practice. No more, no less. While some may find this measure too harsh or unfair, we feel that the punishment fits the crime.”
In the follow up interview to the press release, Dr. Angie O’Graham, M.D. chairman of the board, sent a clear verbal message:
“We’re serious about this Mehmet! The shenanigans stop now! No more TV shows. No more hanging with celebs. No more squid tears extract, asparagus semen balms, or pistachio secretion potions. You used to be a descent surgeon and now you’ll be back to the grind with the rest of us. You first case is scheduled on Monday. Good times are over!!!”
Discussing the board’s decision, Dr. O’Graham explained the challenges of punishing Dr. Oz:
“Board members were stumped as to what to do with this guy. People were saying: take away his TV show, make him eat his own toxic weight loss garbage, send him to jail, make him watch his own TV show junk, take away his medical license. And then I thought about that last one: he has a medical license! That means fifteen hour days, carrying a pager, horrible EMR, ungrateful patients, insurance denials, Maintenance of Certification, patient satisfaction surveys, drug-seeking patients, etc. What could be worse? I floated the idea and the vote was unanimous. Someone suggested we also make him wear those crazy clown scrubs they have at the VA, but I thought that was over the top. Yeah… this was like 30 minutes ago. Now what are we gonna do about this Dr. Phil guy…”
Dr. Oz was quick to appeal the decision in an official response, calling it cruel, unjust and disproportionate to any offenses he may or may not have committed. He further noted that Strawberry Ketone Elixir featured in his last show has been clinically shown to be red in color and not too heavy on the taste buds.