DALLAS, TX – Today Phillips unveiled their mew monitor: Alarmtron 3000. This new monitor is the next step in evolution from the previous generation monitors in that it will always alarm.
“We try to stand out from the competition here at Phillips Medical,” Doug Chamberlain, VP of Phillips’ medical division, said to reporters. “This alarm is the next step in medical technology. Where previous monitors have failed, this one will succeed. We call it the Alarmtron 3000 with 3000 distinct alarms.”
Anyone that has walked down a hospital hallway, they will hear alarm after alarm. Most go ignored or left unattended for hours. The Alarmtron 3000 hopes to change all of this by “turning the medical monitor system on its head.”
Chamberlain pointed out that as soon as the monitor is turned on, it starts alarming. “Look, even during boot up you hear an alarm, that’s the splash screen you are seeing.” The audience agreed that the alarm was very annoying moments after he turned the monitor on, but the entire medical crowd quickly tuned it out. “That’s how you know we paid attention to every detail: alarms, alarms, and more alarms.” Chamberlain promised even the monitor at the nurses station will alarm.
Another features highlighted at the unveiling is the “silence alarm button.” This button would normally silence an alarm for 30 seconds causing insanity among medical staff. Now the improved “silence alarm button” will turn off the specific alarm but start another 4 alarms, thus avoiding the problem where you actually think you are silencing alarms.
Randomly the alarm will change tunes, and even normal vital signs will flash with big yellow squares over the numbers. “We took no short cuts if the power were to go out, or let’s say you want to transport the patient, the alarms will continue,” Mr. Chamberlain bragged.
Despite a quick uptake by hospital administrators everywhere, the new Alarmtron has gone un-noticed on the medical wards.
The lifesaving feature it does have is when the patient is actually medically ill, all the alarms will stop.
“When you hear nothing, something is wrong.”