SEATTLE, WA – After shutting down 43 locations in the states of Washington and Oregon due to dozens of people being hospitalized for infections by E. coli, Chipotle has gone on the offensive, stating that their E. coli is “responsibly raised” just like all the other infectious diseases that riddle their food.
“Day after day we’re committed to sourcing the very best ingredients we can find and preparing them with unwashed hands,” said founder and co-CEO of Chipotle Steve Ells while suffering from intractable diarrhea. “To vegetables rotting out in the open and pork from pigs spoiling outside our refrigerators, we’re committed because we don’t understand the connection between how food is prepared and how it can cause disease if not done properly.” He added later after wiping his mouth of nonbloody, nonbilious emesis: “We’re all about simple fresh food, without artificial flavors or fillers, only the natural taste provided by a deadly yet preventable disease.”
In 2013, Chipotle disclosed the presence of genetically modified organisms or GMOs, a first for a national restaurant chain. Now, only two years later, Chipotle has taken the lead by proudly disclosing the presence of E. coli. It is not yet clear if they plan to announce the presence of any viruses or fungi.
“To be honest, this is the best tasting E. coli I’ve ever had,” said loyal Chipotle customer Joel Irving, who has suffered food poisoning from numerous fast-food chains, a list including but not limited to McDonald’s, Burger King, Wendy’s, Panda Express, Taco Bell, Domino’s, Pizza Hut, KFC, and Sbarro. “Chipotle ages their bacteria for weeks, months, if not years. It has more depth, body, and complexity compared to other chains. And it causes way more cramping. It’s truly delicious.”
To support their new approach, Chipotle has revamped their menus, offering burritos and burrito bowls with a choice of responsibly raised E. coli, spoiled meat, or both; rice, beans & veggies such as cilantro-lime MRSA or fajita C. diff; and topping it off with either housemade spit, phlegm, vomit, urine, or fecal matter. Chipotle has also hired two pharmaceutical companies to determine what antibiotics should be added to their menu. At the very least, Chipotle expects to offer vancomycin and Zosyn.
Sources close to GomerBlog say that Chipotle is currently working on a Bactrim Burrito as well as a guacamole-Imodium combination called guacamodium.