5th Pressor Discovered: ICU Stay Extended 2 Days, No Difference in Outcome

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LOS ANGELES, CA – Critical care physicians and nurses rejoiced Thursday at the news of a 5th vasopressor drug-class discovery. 5-omega-dopanephrinone or “Omnipress” is a new vasopressor recently fast tracked by the FDA overnight.  “It works by activating a new pathway, one not yet discovered until now,” drug maker Pfizer released in a statement.

"Let me crank up the Omnipress now"
“Let me crank up the Omnipress now”

The new vasopressor, or ‘pressor,’ works on the newly discovered omega receptors.  These omega receptors have not been discovered until recently and drug makers raced to release the first medication to utilize it.

“This is fantastic now that we have a 5th option!  My job will be so much better,” Dr. Phelps, a critical care physician told reporters.  “We used to say we are trying everything, but now when our critical patient is on the furious four [epinephrine, norepinephrine, phenylephrine, and vasopressin] we can add Omnipress!”  He also added that the new drug provides 2 more days until end of life talk occurs.

The new vasopressor has yet to show any increase in survivability past the two additional days versus not using the medication at all.  “It was mainly developed for the cases where you were doing everything you could, but now you can do ONE MORE,” Pfizer spokesman said.  “When patients are on 4 blood pressure medications they are as critical as you can get.  Not anymore as you can add one more.  As opposed to having the patient on 2 pressors and adding one more to a total of 3, and the repeating to a total of 4.  Now physicians can order even one more!”

“Let me put it to you this way, you’re playing at a rock show as loud as you can, let’s just call it 10, and want to go just one louder to let’s say 11, well that’s Omnipress.”  The drug rep also went on to say that he thinks his drug will be quickly accepted because doctors would be lying if they said they are doing all they can with only 4 pressors running on max.

“It is always difficult to make end-of-life decisions for loved ones but now family members don’t have to right now,” he said.  “Just in 2 days they’ll have to, but not now.”

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