drinking alcohol

Hospital Opens Bar, All Healthcare Problems Solved

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MINEOLA, NY – Some ideas are so revolutionary, they can only be conceived in a stroke of genius.  Such is the case with Northrop University Hospital as the hospital opened ‘Dischargigans’, a lively and happening bar right in the sprawling hospital lobby.

drinking alcohol
“I’m so trashed!! Time for a family meeting!”

Tipsy Buzzington, hospital CFO, spoke to GomerBlog about the idea.  “We had something called ‘preventative medicine’ taking up prime real estate on the first floor.  I mean, what’s the point of preventing anything if you’re already in the hospital? The board was stressing me about this space, so I went to a bar, which was the answer. Bar never fails.”

“The establishment welcomes employees, patients, families, and everyone who feels like a drink when they step out of the hospital, which is EVERYBODY.  And since the hospital is open 24/7, so is the bar.  Feeling a drink at 8 a.m.?  This is the only game in town!  Look, Medicaid pays $18 dollars for a heart cath.  We can’t keep the lights on with that, but check out our Code Mellow or Bacardiac Spasm, delicious party bowls of spirits and tropical juices!  We charge $34 for each.  See that table of three ICU nurses? They’re on their fifth!  Cha-ching!”

While the initial idea was purely financial, additional bar benefits became apparent immediately.  Employee morale has skyrocketed and sick days are taken less frequently. Patient mortality has dipped and patient satisfaction has never been higher. Readmission rates for alcohol detox have plummeted.  Things haven’t looked so peachy since the Ativan Diffuser. In an effort to build on the idea, the hospital has reached out to host MTV’s Spring Break.

Ironically, Dischargigans’ most loyal customers are preventative medicine faculty and staff; they find it the only way to cope with their recent forced move into the basement of the garage.

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