SANTA CRUZ, CA – The founders of CrossFit Greg Glassman and Lauren Jenai have announced the creation of a new strength and conditioning program to help patients improve their bowel fitness. Dubbed CrossSh*t, it will undoubtedly be this season’s new intestinal craze.
“What is CrossSh*t?” asked Glassman in the middle of a 50 butt-clench repetitions. “It’s an effective way to sh*t. Anyone can sh*t. If I can sh*t, you can sh*t.” Glassman describes CrossSh*t as a “high-intensity sh*tness program that combines a huge variety of functional movements and modalities – gymnastics, plyometrics, weight lifting, calisthenics, and definitely squats, lots and lots of squats – to optimize gastrointestinal performance.”
Ever since last winter’s record-breaking sales for Sh*tbit, more and more Americans are paying attention to their own bowels. On top of that, they want to do more: they want to empower their bowels.
“CrossSh*t bathrooms will start popping up throughout the country by the dozens later this year,” said Jenai. “We’ll give patients access to not only state-of-the-art equipment in the form of dumbbells gymnastic rings, pull-up bars, medicine balls, resistance bands, and jump ropes, but also cutting-edge toilet bowls, toilet paper, stool softeners, laxatives, and colonoscopes. We’ll even have CrossSh*t gastroenterologists on site to answer any questions or perform a manual disimpaction if the need arises. Why? Because we care.”
Glassman and Jenai are confident that if CrossFit can build communities, so will CrossSh*t. “Sometimes it’s hard to be motivated on your own,” said Jenai. “The hardest part of sh*tting is getting started. Sometimes you need someone encouraging you, sh*tting along beside you. The camaraderie and competition will only bring people together and make going to bathroom fun again.” Jenai does have one quick reminder to everyone: “Before you high five over your huge poop, please be sure to wash your hands. Otherwise feces just ends up everywhere.”