LONDON, ENGLAND – In breaking news, archeologists have uncovered a missing piece to the Rosetta Stone, the ancient stone slab on which the Memphis decree of Ptolemy IV was carved in three writing systems in 196 B.C. The original Rosetta Stone was essential to our understanding of ancient Egypt. Now the missing piece provides a primer to a fourth and little understood language: the ophtho progress note.
“This is a historic find,” said Professor of Linguistics Wayne Roberts at the University of Manchester United. “With this fragment, we can finally get some insight into the mystical ways of these people: the ophthalmologists or ophthopods.”
One discovery has already yielded some excitement. “As you can see here,” pointed Roberts towards the new fragment of Rosetta Stone, “contrary to popular belief, ophthalmology is actually spelled with two Hs, with one H before the T. Fascinating.”
Language experts from all over the world have been flocking to London in an emergent meeting to study the Rosetta Stone fragment. In the first 48 hours, other notable discoveries on the ophthalmologic Rosetta Stone include: fascination with the letter O, which tends to precede an S, D, or U; obsession with fractions with the numerator always being 20; and an ancient Snellen eye chart. And yes, the big letter happens to be the letter E.
The newly discovered Rosetta Stone piece is already yielding new questions, such as the puzzling array of random mathematical equations. “What does this equation mean: -2.25 + 0.50 x 180 = 20/20?” asks John Terry, Professor of Linguistics at Chelsea University. “Is it a proof? And if so, what are they trying to prove? These ophthopods, are they mathematicians too?”
Though more will be uncovered over time, linguistic experts hope to uncover more mysteries about this poorly understood language and culture of the ophthopods as well as the purpose of all those eye drops. “I thought deciphering ortho notes was difficult,” said Roberts. “We’ve only scratched the surface and I’m not just talking about the cornea.”
