BOSTON, MA – Due to the recent nursing strike at Tufts Medical Center, the hospital is now forcing its new interns to also be nurses. The interns have been on the job for a little over 36 hours with horrific results.
Gina Lewis, a hospital administrator, described a chaotic scene. “As soon as I got to the inpatient ward, I was overwhelmed by the deafening beeping coming from every room. Not only were the interns unable to operate a simple IV pump, they seemed genuinely terrified of being anywhere near the device.”
It was also evident that many of the interns were unable to perform basic tasks involved in patient care. “None of them could place a peripheral IV,” said Lewis. “They certainly tried though. We found 15 discarded IV kits next to one patient who had lost a lot of blood. The patient ended up getting a central line instead.”
The Pyxis seemed to cause a significant amount of distress among the interns. Throughout the hospital, many Pyxis machines were found damaged beyond repair. One intern on the transplant floor was so desperate; he used a fire extinguisher to break through the locked glass door. However, the intern hung his head in shame after gaining access to the medications when he realized he had no idea how to administer any of them.
Initially, the interns were confused about being both a nurse and an intern. They would routinely page themselves for diet orders and sliding scales. One intern was found in the bathroom berating himself in the mirror for waking himself up at 3 am for a Tylenol order.
“They were clearly losing their grip on reality,” reported Tom Schleppinger, a hospital custodian and witness to the catastrophe. “I found some of them curled up into fetal positions while others were taking 2 hour bathroom breaks. All of them were giving patients as much oxycodone and cheese as possible to keep everybody from pooping.”
“The substandard, dangerous, third-world quality patient care is definitely worrisome,” stated Lewis, “but what I’m really concerned about is the complete lack of documentation.”